sabonai

That was funny

2011-06-10T19:41:00.000-07:00

Remember when I was going to elaborate on all of my Facebook status updates at the end of each week? I forgot.

This week I've been allll upset about Christianity and homosexuality. And I have been looking forward to my birthday, which is tomorrow, but mostly, the gay stuff. These are the topics most people just ignore so they can go on worshiping comfortably, but we all know it's there, don't we, if we dare to look...

I wonder what a "homosexual" way of life was in the first century AD. Were there life partners? Was it associated with prostitution? Goddess worship? Hmm... A bit different today, isn't it.

Stuff to think about and investigate.

But for now, bedtime.

Happy Birthday, Leta!

2011-03-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

The events of Saturday, March 27th 2004

8am-Still pregnant. Breakfast with the family
10am-Waddling through the grocery store for some last minute items with mom.
12:30pm-Lunch with Mom's friend Leah at Monty's, where I downed a mocha and a breakfast burrito. Still pregnant.
2:30pm-Drove by the house I liked and headed over to a photography exhibition.
2:31pm-Looking at photography, listening to hippie music and feeling trouble brewing. Beads of sweat forming on brow.
3:00pm-THERE WAS NO BATHROOM. That's when we went back home.
3:30pm-Announced that we should get ready to go.
3:45pm-I was kneeling on the floor with my upper body on the seat of a rocking chair, breathing and rocking through some very uncomfortable contractions and Jason was looking for a watch.
4:00pm-Contractions were 1 minute long and 5 minutes apart. TIME TO GO, LIKE I SAID... ;)
4:05pm-I remember gripping the door handle through contractions on the way to the hospital and listening to The Cure.
4:30pm-Arrival at St. Mary's
4:45pm-Jason helped me into my gown and they checked my cervix in triage. 5cm.
5:00pm-Checking out the luxurious birthing room with the whirlpool and leather couches.
5:00:10pm-My back was in nonstop agony and I couldn't tell when the contractions began and ended and I did NOT want that stupid heart monitor strapped around my belly...
5:20pm-I tried out the tub. It felt pretty good although the PRESSURE was unbearable.
5:30pm-I couldn't stand the tub. I was overheating and wanted more control/stability during contractions. AND THE PRESSURE!!!
5:45pm-My wonderful fantastic superb sympathetic doctor broke my water--YEAH!!!!! Relief! One of those things people don't think is a good idea but OH EM GEE was it ever a good idea. Oh but wait--she discovered the baby's head was facing wrong direction...I gave a push and she turned it around for me, and VOILA--no more back pain! <3
6:00pm-9cm dilated...
6:15pm-This is when I couldn't seem to hold back my urge to push. I was on all fours and could no longer control my breathing.
6:25pm-Time to push! They said things like "push like you have to poop"--um..."chin down, hold your breath while you push! Relax those legs(this is hard to do...) It's coming"
6:35pm-"that's it! Just like the last one, that was great!" the unmistakable burning sensation now...and I heard them commenting on how much hair was on the baby's head...
6:46pm-Leta's head was born! Yes!
6:47pm-The rest of Leta was born! Jason and I cried tears of joy and incredible relief...
7:00pm-I was rewarded with a bagel and apple juice and it was glorious.

I had no tearing, no stitches...not even enough swelling to warrant the usual frozen diaper treatment.

There were times when I felt guilty about having such easy labors with all the kids but I just have to appreciate it.

Leta was born with black hair, a dimple and hairy little shoulders. She practically came out saying, "OooOOOOooh, that's cuuuuUUUUuute!"

Leta has always been a great company shopping, having lunch, having coffee... And right now she's making it very hard to write this so I guess I better go actually spend time with the birthday girl! Hopefully I will have time to write when the party is over.

Elaborating on status updates

2011-03-26T06:14:00.000-07:00

After some discussion about what facebook has done to journaling, I started to think about what it's done to blogging... Especially after having been so pleased with myself for writing when the girls were younger and being able to go back and enjoy those times through reading. Last night I spent a lot of time converting livejournal entries to XML files. I was really worried because that's five years of almost daily writing that could just go away someday. I do like the sort of ADD quick fix aspect of facebook and twitter. It's instant gratification. You publish your thoughts nearly as they happen. But I was thinking, why don't I just use this as a tool for writing bigger chunks in a journal (or blog)? Facebook can be where I take my notes, and at the end of the week, I can see what I have to write about.

That's what I'm about to do. READYSETGO!

I finally finished filling out my FAFSA and submitted it this week. I started it really early on, but I hadn't done my taxes yet, so I didn't have accurate numbers to go on. We finally got our taxes done, so I was able to OH THIS IS SO BORING NEVERMIND.

Mina got new glasses on Thursday. They're bright red and beautiful. I think it's the first wearable item she has ever been excited about, so I may have allowed her to pick unusually expensive frames... Her old glasses were these sort of crappy Shopko glasses... The new ones were handmade in Italy and purchased online at solobambini.com. (love) The difference in quality is pretty obvious and Mina says she can actually see a lot better with these. Of course, her prescription is slightly different, and her old glasses were really scratched up I'M BORED WITH THIS TOO.

Wow. It really is hard to do this now. I do not have the attention span to write more than 140 characters. Sad.

In my Drawing for Illustration class we're working on a scratchboard illustration for the Henry Vilas Zoo's 100th birthday, which is also raising money for the proposed Polar Bear exhibit. Several classes are working on it and between you and me, I WANT TO WIN. I MUST WIN. I've never been very competitive, but I think my new career path has roused a sleeping giant.

This week I have also started reading the book of Joshua of Old Testament fame. I'm not quite over the death of Moses yet. Those are big shoes to fill. I'm about ten chapters in and already have lots of questions.

I get the urge to talk about the stuff I'm reading pretty frequently and don't have too many people to talk about it. I don't necessarily always want to talk to super religious people... It's just that I think it's pretty fascinating and I know that there are other friends of mine who have always meant to read the Bible at some point even if just to strengthen their arguments against religion. I just haven't quite figured out how to have theological discussions without making people want to throw up.

I was thinking about posting some of my thoughts and questions about the things I read here, and if anyone felt like reading or engaging, they would be free to step forward.

Last but not least... Tomorrow Leta is turning SEVEN. She's having a few girls from school over for crafts and cupcakes and pizza. I'm excited to revisit her birth story tomorrow. The day before Leta was born I had my 39 week OB visit. I went with my mom, who was sick and thinking about going back home, but Dr. Demopoulos said my cervix was already FOUR cm dilated and I better have my mom stay where she was because she thought I would be having that baby within the next 24 hours. And she was right.

Now look at her. She just rescued the princess on Super Mario Brothers for the DS. They've been playing this game for months and months. This is a proud day for me as a parent. *I* never rescued the princess~

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011!

2011-01-01T16:23:00.000-08:00

I was going to do a picture post of the year in review, but it was going to be way too many pictures because I just couldn't decide on a few to accurately represent everything.

I know this year has been hard for a lot of people, and many people are hoping 2011 will give them a break from the hardships and tragedies. I hope so too.

For me, this year has been pretty great.

In January, from what I can tell from my pictures, I made some fun hats.
I donated blood for the last time, maybe ever.
The Samsa family suffered a terrible loss unexpectedly.

In February we celebrated our 8th anniversary as Husband and Wife.
I started thinking about life and people and wanting to understand both more, and began to ask a lot of questions about what people believed about life/death and why. This prompted me to email the pastor from the church/school where the girls had gone to preschool, to pick up on a "conversation" we'd started over a year before that kind of started as a heated argument... (long story) Anyway, we went out for coffee and he put up with all of my questions no matter how vicious they were. He put me up to a challenge and ever since, I've been reading the Bible, emailing insane questions and commentary, and occasionally having coffee with the pastor. It's been a big highlight of my year.

In March my little princess Leta turned six. She had a ridiculous cake with a unicorn and a waterfall and a rainbow, and a party with her school friends.
My mom also gave me all of my old dollhouse stuff and I had a blast setting up all the rooms, but discovered that my kids aren't ready to handle my precious, delicate dollhouse furniture so I had to pack it up and put it in the basement so I didn't end up with everything broken.

With April came spring projects and parties and friends with new babies...

I believe my May was all about Cullen's rash and documenting everything he ate every single day. It's still a mystery.

In June I turned 30! I love birthdays. For my birthday we went to Milwaukee and saw Group of the Altos play on a boat. It was so lovely. There were even fireworks. Not for me, but you know, aren't fireworks kind of for everyone? My mom was awesome and babysat the kids so we could spend the night.
There were lots of birthdays and barbecues and a visit from my brilliant sister-in-law Laney (who co-authored a book of poetry that makes me super happy and you should totally check out)... And of course, a visit from "Aunt Laney" wouldn't be complete without a trip to Little Amerricka.

July was the start of dance lessons and swimming lessons for the girls. It was cool to have a little bit of Cullen time again. Summers are hard sometimes, and I feel like I don't appreciate anyone because they're all climbing all over me at the same time...

In August we went to Door County and stayed with my grandparents, who were renting a condo for the month. It was really nice to spend that time with them and I know the kids were just over the moon to be there, and go swimming every day and feed goats and eat ice cream...
At the end of August I started going to school at "Madison College" (MATC) full time for Graphic Design. It's been totally amazing and I love it--it has also been much harder than I expected and I don't have an extra minute for much of anything!

In September the girls were back in school, and fast forward until Christmas because let's face it, not much happened between then and now except for school (and a couple of birthdays)...

OH, a visit from my brother sometime in October I think. That was a treat, to spend the day doing brother/sister bonding--relaxed goofing off and wandering around without any kind of schedule. The girls were in school so it was just us and Cullen. I think Cullen and Shannon bonded, too.

Now, it's a new year, and I'm bored with this and it's taken me too long to write it and I don't know how to wrap it up but I have laundry to do. Hooray for the new year. I have no resolutions. Just going to keep being fabulous (and delusional). :)

REALLY INTERESTING BABBLE

2010-12-13T16:45:00.001-08:00

Really. This is good stuff. Just wait.
I have a bunch of random junk floating around in my head so I decided, rather than clog up everyone's facebook with 25 status updates in a row, I'd put them here. Yeah! This place! Where I used to write!

Life balance?
This semester of school is almost over! Just two more classes and then I can go back to cleaning and drinking and cleaning and drinking. And reading. And emailing people. Then it's back to school.

Remember CDs?
I dug up some CDs today that I hadn't listened to for a while. It's amazing how much your own life experiences can color what you get out of a song. These songs have totally new meaning now because of everything that's happened in between. I listened to Tori Amos today and suddenly her lyrics didn't seem so crazy and trippy and random.

Tarot, and secrets about Jesus
One of my school projects was to design a Tarot deck. I decided to go with the Biblical symbolism already present in many classic decks because of this whole Bible reading project that's consumed this year. I even harassed my friend the pastor for ideas. (Thanks!) I know lots of people think Tarot cards are tools of the devil. I'm pretty sure they're just cards.
Somehow, all the googling I did during this project lead me to lots of reading about Christian mystics/esotericism. Something about it seems rather smug but intriguing, nonetheless. Sort of like, "Well, of course we all know that Jesus was trained by magicians..." or "You don't still believe Mary was a virgin...?" And I think, where are you getting your information? I want to know. I demand it. But it's a secret. And we all know that secrets don't make friends and friends don't make secrets!

Dr. Dude moving to MN
In other news, Cullen had his 3 year well child check on Friday. He weighs 40lbs. He's around the 95th percentile for height and weight. Pretty interesting, right? The REAL news is that Dr. Dude is MOVING. Man. It's like the end of an era. If Dr. Awesome leaves I'm going to slit my wrists. Just kidding... Wow that's not a funny joke at ALL. Sorry. He was still a resident when he delivered baby Cullen. *sniff*

Well, as my grandpa once wrote to me, I'm all out of gas for this trip.

Maybe I'll write again in a couple of months.

Happy Birthday, Cullen!

2010-10-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

I cry a little every year on Cullen's birthday.

When I was 17 weeks pregnant the ER doctor told me I should prepare myself mentally for my impending miscarriage. Labor pain was nothing compared to what my heart felt in that moment.

Today, my boy is three! He has been such a warm fuzzy in my life since the moment I met him.

I love you so much, Cullen! Sorry I can't write more, but we have to get going for birthday dinner!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo...infinity.

Happy Birthday, Mina! (One day late)

2010-10-02T07:11:00.001-07:00

Mina Sachiko Samsa

About a month before Mina was due, Jason started tearing up the carpet in our house and kicked off the tiling project of 2002. I was super freaked out about the prospect of being in the middle of this when the baby was born and I told her, "You are not allowed to be born before October first--and you are not allowed to be born AFTER October first, either!"

At around 11:30pm on September 30th I woke up in labor. Jason, remembering what we were told in Lamaze class, said we should try to get some sleep.

I couldn't sleep, and my water had broken, and the next hour or so involved Jason running around gathering photography equipment and calling people while I crawled around on my hands and knees panting!

He dropped me off at the emergency room door and went to park the car, and I crawled in going, "HEE HEE WHOOOOOO" with my pants falling down. And I was IGNORED. If I wasn't in wild animal mode I would have asked for help, I think... When Jason came in, they brought out the wheelchair. I know you're supposed to walk around, but seriously, I was way beyond that point. I barely got my pants off and she was out. I still had my pajama shirt on.

She was 8 lbs, 13 1/2 oz and 21 inches long... Chubby and cute from the moment she was born. I didn't want to be away from her and remember feeling tremendous longing when she was being held by other people across the room from me.

...

And from the moment she was born, she was a handful... I will just leave it at that!

But yesterday, when we were driving around together, and chatting the whole time, I was so moved by how much she has grown and I feel like eight year old Mina is like a reward for all the challenging times we've had! She is such a cool little person with sensitivity and insight well beyond her years. Her absurd sense of humor and creativity are an absolute joy to experience. She hardly ever cries anymore, but gets annoyed in the way that big sisters do when they're being looked at or bothered or breathed on. She no longer expects me to turn back time and make it so that I never wore the orange shirt that bothers her or do other impossible things. She is reasonable, and loves science and art and nature... She is someone I would have loved to be friends with as a kid and teenager.

Yesterday at her doctor visit she did almost all of the talking. SHE wanted to talk to the doctor about her concerns about her own health. She talked about feeling sick a lot and how nervous she gets. When he said the words "throw up" she yelled, "Don't even SAY IT! I hate hearing it, it's so gross!" But she didn't throw a fit... She talked about being nervous about germs and he said he was too and pointed out that he'd used hand sanitizer three times since entering the room. She even wanted a flu shot. She seemed slightly disappointed when they only had the mist!

After we bought the caramel apple pie she requested for her birthday she told me that the reason she wanted pie is because I don't like cake. *tear*

...

I will wrap this up by saying what I've said many times before:

Mina, I love being your mom. You rock. Keep on being awesome!

Switching Gears and Eating Humble Pie

2010-09-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

Wow, I guess it's been a while...

I'm going to be switching gears and writing a lot about the things I'm learning about in school, the feelings associated with going back to school and rubbing elbows with smelly eighteen year old boys.

Just kidding! We ALL stink, because we have to park two miles away and race to class with arms full of heavy art supplies... I envy those who take the bus and get off at the door.

Did I skip ahead? Sorry. I started school a few weeks ago. I'm a full time graphic design student. I have this conversation a lot, about being a mother of three and full time student and how on earth do you to it? Here's my secret: No cleaning, no sleeping, minimal parenting. Ta-daaaa!

Jason has been very supportive and should be applauded for his tolerance of our new life.

I've been pretty impressed with myself (oh no) so far and have been quietly patting myself on the back for awesome time management skills and stellar school performance. This is always a bad sign, isn't it? Anytime I catch myself thinking, "I'm SO AWESOME! Wow!" I'm usually about to get a swift kick to the back of the head.

I love my classes and everything I'm learning. I could not possibly be more enthusiastic about my education. Outside of school and homework, I'm noticing design elements everywhere. My view of the world is changing. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that my enthusiasm and cockiness is monstrous and... premature. For the record I felt very wrong about it all, but tried to talk myself through it and shape it in a way that would be healthy and beneficial. I mean that I don't think I could interview well if I wasn't totally convinced that I was going to rock their world, and so in this way, it's a good thing, because I'd like to get a job someday...

Starting school brings back all kinds of emo feelings. At first, I really struggled with disliking everyone around me. (Sorry, everyone around me!) It's not so bad, now. I've developed a friendly rapport with some and an appreciation for others. Also, some of these youngsters are very good little photoshop tutors.

I have two classes that are each three hours long on Mondays and Wednesdays. In both classes we spend a lot of time learning/talking about design elements seeing them in action. The difference is in the expectations. I guess this could be a lesson of considering my target audience. One instructor is pushing me to be more controlled and deliberate, to simplify and to package and deliver a neat product (though he says he isn't looking for that... his suggestions on how to improve things tell me otherwise). Then, an hour later, in a class that teaches the same things, I have someone else telling me to loosen up, go off the page, and what she doesn't know is that I'm pretty good at THAT... And I'm still trying to challenge myself by applying the NEW things I'm learning, and she thinks I am some neat and clean kind of person who should get messy and explore. And that's okay, and I should do what she wants me to do. It's just really hard to switch gears between these two classes and I feel very much humbled (read: knocked out of la-la land) when made the example of what not to do twice in one class period!

I absolutely love her, by the way. She's from Australia and she has a lovely, subtle accent and soft, melodious voice that is really easy to listen to. I really admire her sense of style, too. Maybe that's why it's hard to be criticized by her--because I think she's really cool. Maybe that's the wrong word. Pushed by her. Encouraged. I'm trying to talk myself through this.

The ice cream on top of the humble pie is that I have a huge blemish on my chin and am trying very hard not to mess with it. If only I could use "spot healing" in real life...

In Transit

2010-07-25T17:42:00.000-07:00

Yann Tiersen. I am addicted to this music. When I listen to Yann Tiersen, I go on a journey. It's the only time I feel like I might not mind dying because in that moment I feel okay with the whole of the human experience--the joy, the pain, the life so real you can sink your teeth into it. I think about the ugliest moments of life and feel at peace with them. God, real life can be ugly!

Uglier than you ever thought, more beautiful than you ever imagined, and amazing in a completely different way than you expect. I want to lay down on the ground and run my fingers through the grass, feel the weight of each footstep, no more and no less than it is.

I think about my tiny plot of life when I listen to this music. For a second I understand just how brief it is, and instead of feeling its insignificance, I feel... just in awe of all that sweating and filth and bleeding and eating and drinking and... how BIG it is, all that flavor, packed in such a small blip.

I don't know what to make of it.

And then we arrive at the destination, I turn the car off, I get the kids out, we buy smoothies and walk around thinking about tomatoes instead.

The Passion of the Christ

2010-07-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

So, we finally watched this, and wanted to jot down some thoughts.

I was immediately turned off by the devil in the garden/serpent scene, and all of the demon/Satan appearances, really.

I wasn't bothered by the portrayal of the Sanhedrin.

Jesus could have been more Jewish, though.

The humorous scene with the table made me groan a bit.

Afterward, Jason asked me what I thought. Mostly, the whole time I was watching, I was thinking about how it would be to watch one of my own children be ridiculed, tortured, and killed in such a way, and be able to do nothing to stop it. You want to shield them from pain, dress their wounds, wrap them in cozy blankets and kiss their tears away... The scene where she's kissing his toes was pretty sad.

All in all, I thought it was okay and would have been better without some of the cheesy additions to the story.

What did you think, if you saw it?

Mommy Thoughts

2010-07-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

I got to spend some time alone with Cullen tonight and I realized how much I miss being alone with him. It was so nice that I actually let him stay up an hour past bedtime. He's so lovely, calm and polite when there's no competition. Sometimes I think maybe he would have been better off as a firstborn, but then I think he would be even more unbearable when he didn't get his way or had to share. I guess I'll keep things the way they are!

Mina had an eye checkup today. Here eyes are at a standstill right now. I really hope her vision doesn't hold her back from anything in life. The (nurse?) said something about wanting to get her to a point where she would be able to drive a car, but that she wouldn't be able to be a pilot... Stuff like that just makes your heart sink a bit even if being a pilot was never in the wishlist.

Right now I'm going through some kind of separation anxiety. Cullen is asleep and Jason took Mina and Leta to a STAR PARTY at the UW Space Place where they got to build Galileoscopes and then look at the stars/planets. They have been so excited about it, but I keep thinking, what if right now Mina is having a meltdown because of a scary bathroom? What if what if what if. I check my phone, wishing for a text, wishing for a picture, wishing for some reassurance when I should relax and think no news means they are having a great time... Right?

Also, I kind of hate missing their experiences. You know what I love, though? Listening to them tell people about what they did/are doing with their daddy. It makes me a bit teary.

Still. I hope they come home soon.

Illustration Friday - "Giant"

2010-07-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today's Illustration Friday theme is "giant" and this is the first thing that popped into my head.

Gifts from a dream woman

2010-06-23T10:56:00.000-07:00

I had a dream this morning while I tried to get a little sleep on the couch after the stormy night...

Streets and buildings. A mall. Like the Avenue Mall converted to offices. Colorful yet plain, and somber. Purples and blues and pinks on the walls--but sort of muted, like grey-purple and grey-blue and grey-pink...

I was there looking for a box I'd inherited. I got the message from Jason, I think. I didn't really belong there, I don't think, and I expected to be stopped at some point, but anytime there were people, they were quiet and busy. I went upstairs and somehow found my way to the place where my box was... It was like an old dressing room and had double doors and windows of wood with little slits in them, lots of ornately carved, dark old wood.

Someone knew what I was there for, a woman, who could tell I was sort of lost/out of place. She brought me the box and said she would leave me alone to enjoy opening it. She talked about the woman who left it to me saying she knew no one would appreciate them or use them but hoped that I would somehow. The woman didn't know why the lady favored me but urged me to take them anyway even if I didn't know what to do with them. She said she would leave me alone then and gestured toward a mirror, and left.

When I opened the box I found that it was filled with oval shaped... what were they? They were beautiful and fine with ornate details along the edges... "Head coverings," I knew, suddenly. They were amazing and as I tried each one on I felt transformed as though I understood some woman I didn't know from long ago. They smelled like the most intoxicating perfume. I knew then that she'd loved them. She loved covering her hair. That to her each one was like a special piece of jewelry except more beloved because with it she gave glory to God. She loved being a woman. She loved being mysterious. And somehow she knew I loved being a woman.

Then I pulled out a small pink/red beret with a green "stem". I put it on my head and laughed as I saw red hair and freckles. I loved Strawberry Shortcake when I was a little girl. That little girl was filled with joy at that moment.

"Mom, mom, mom!"

huh?

"I SAID, CAN I HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT!" blinkblink... Leta coming into focus...
Drifting off... trying on...

"MOM!"
Leta...

I woke up then but I haven't quite shaken this dream!

...

I have had other dreams in the past about opening boxes of hats and scarves from people who had died and feeling that they were there with me.

I think maybe this was influenced by 1)eating Indian food Jason brought from his co-worker last night, 2)Reading the book of Esther last night, and 3)recently I really was given a crazy amount of hats...

Dreams and Church

2010-06-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Two things today:

1) I've been having vivid dreams every night and thought it might be fun to start a dream drawing/comic diary. I might incorporate it here. Some of them are rather disturbing, though.

2) This is for those of you who go to church: What do you like the most about your church? What do you look for in a church?

The Great Exchange

2010-05-15T10:22:00.000-07:00

Do you understand what it means when people say that Jesus died for your sins? Does it make sense to you? Does it also make sense that before Jesus did this, people needed to sacrifice animals? What is God's currency? How does this work? I'm sitting here with all of these pieces trying to put this together and so far it's a pile of crap! If you've put it together, lend me a hand. Thanks.

This comic isn't very funny.

2010-05-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

I had this nightmare over and over from about age 4 to age 7. Feeling lost and abandoned was so terrifying. I was so relieved to find someone I could trust who would help me.

The people who I thought were most trustworthy became monsters.

I still feel this way about many Christians. My childhood nightmare has me always waiting for them to reveal their vampire teeth.

I'm trying to get over it. After all, my beloved family members love Jesus, and they are good people, along with so many of my friends and acquaintances. I'm trying to understand, and let go of this paranoia.

For Sarah, who needs me to draw her a comic from time to time.

2010-05-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

We used to sit for hours drawing comics while out for coffee, and she requested a comic of the spider killing that went down the other day at Chez Samsa.

Yep. I was brave.

Love, yer mom

2010-05-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

Today I am thinking about my mother, who makes the best: chocolate chip bars, chicken salad, egg rolls, chicken-broccoli-cheese casserole, toast, grilled cheese, French toast, soup of any kind, and you know? She just does it better, whatever it is.

My mom always liked it when we were weird. Instead of telling me to go change, she would take pictures and chuckle to herself before I left the house in slip-dresses, combat boots, tube socks, holy sweaters, ridiculous hats, satin gloves, whatever else... When I came home with a shaved head, every time, instead of grounding me or lecturing me she'd say, "Well you can thank me for that beautifully shaped head!" When, at fifteen, my boyfriend was full of tattoos and piercings and crayon red hair, she said, "I know that the clean-cut boys can be the worst of all." I remember that conversation well.

She's a cool lady and artist and I hope she's having a good day today!

...

I'm also thinking of all those other mothers in my life today who all had their part in getting me here. Ladies, thank you!!! Grandmas, step-moms, in-laws, mothers of friends! You are awesome.

I'm thinking of all the people who are missing their moms today.

I'm thinking of all the mothers who are missing their children today.

I'm thinking of all the wonderful women I know who are discovering themselves as mothers.

I'm thinking of all the mothers who aren't yet mothers and hoping...

...

I'm thinking of my kids, and rejoicing in their presence in my life. I really needed them even though I didn't know it! They have given a depth to every emotion I did not fully understand until the day I became a mother.

Today I am thankful for the mother I have and I'm thankful for the children whose mother I am, and I'm thankful for the amazing husband who made me a mother!

I love you all!
Happy Mother's Day!

xo

Let's talk about COMMUNION.

2010-05-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

Do you take communion? Do you understand what it means? Do you think you're literally eating the flesh of Christ?

I think I understand communion now. But I don't think YOU do. BOY, it's easy to feel that way, isn't it? How does your church do communion?

What is the deal with closed communion? That makes me scratch my head. Seriously, people. What an act of supreme snobbery. Is this really a problem? Too many hungry bums coming in off the street or something? What if one of them was Jesus?

Discuss!

Healthy 6yo Leta

2010-04-28T18:13:00.000-07:00

Leta had her six year well child visit today with Dr. Dude. It was so nice to bring a child to the doctor and not have to hold anyone down or explain in five billion ways how something needs to happen. Leta was as happy as could be in pigtails and her favorite dress, drawing pictures in my Moleskine.

She's tall and skinny.

She doesn't have a television in her bedroom and she eats meals with the family. Dr. Dude said somethingsomething about those things being connected with childhood obesity.

He said she's probably getting close to ready to be out of the booster seat in the car (even though she's not eight years old or 80 lbs.) But she's pretty tall... And Mina's even taller... But I've already told the children they must stay in their boosters until they are 8 years old. I think I'm going to have to stick with that because it's what they've accepted, and they like looking forward to those kinds of milestones.

Her back is fine, her hearing is fine, everything is perfectly healthy. I asked about the thing on her finger and he said it was a wart and he wasn't even going to say anything about it and it's nothing to worry about.

He asked me if the doctor I've been seeing told me she was leaving. NO, she didn't. I didn't really know what to do with that information. Nothing to be done I guess but I can't help but feel kind of anxious because my therapist is also going to be done in June and I think I'm just going to be done going to residents/trainees because I don't like this kind of change all that much!

Leta got a book and two stickers for a job well done. No shots.

Hot fudge sundae afterward.

I think she likes going to the doctor.

Showing MIL how blogger works

2010-04-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

easy peasy

Cerebral Spring

2010-04-21T07:42:00.000-07:00

Historically, I have avoided the topic of God/religion. It's a touchy subject. I've heard and seen enough to turn me away from it forever, personally. Don't get all riled up, now... It's just that it has been putting a bad taste in my mouth for a long time. People get in fights over it around dinner tables, in the street, and in the world. Now, I do think we need to fight for things that are important. What good is peace if we're all miserable? Sometimes we need to rock the boat we're in if that boat is going the wrong way. When people fight to make someone's life worse, not better...That bugs me.

I recently asked a pastor about pressure to be perfect. I thought a lot about what he said. He talked about the hypocrisy people see and hear about being a huge factor in turning away from church. So when he makes a mistake, it's not just him making a mistake, it's more people turning away from church. That's not to say that they don't understand that we're all human and we're all sinners... But who wants to be responsible for people turning away from church and was it really worth it to cuss out that ref? (Or whatever)...

Personally, I have a low tolerance for the cheese factor. I'm kind of a snob. I don't like theatrical lighting in church. I don't like it when the person preaching glows or their glasses are sparkling. I don't like forced, somber singing. I also don't like it when churches try to be like some kind of rock concert. Wow, I'm picky. Can I keep going? I will. Church clothes. Perfume! Also, if I hear you "speaking in tongues" I will want to slap you. I don't want to hear about Jesus filling your hole because I'm a TOTAL PERVERT and can't handle statements like that without having to hide my shame.

I'm getting off track here. I was saying how I've avoided the whole topic, and when confronted with it, have gotten by with polite smiles, nods and generic phrases.

Recently, though, I realized something. I WANT to know why people believe what they do. And they WANT to talk about it, I think. Hey! Endless wealth of interesting stuff to talk about! Now instead of feeling like people are trying to force their beliefs on me, and looking for the nearest exit, I ask them about it, and you know? It's been really cool! I'm so thankful for those who have been willing to share this deeply personal, intimate part of them. Your friend, your neighbor, your family member--they have so much more to them than you might think. Stuff they're thinking about and not sharing, that even if you don't agree with, could bring you closer to them and to understanding others in general. I would much rather talk about what Freud said about Moses than the weather.

Now my husband and I are having exciting conversations about something we generally avoided talking about before (differing opinions).

When I first started on this journey, people warned me that others would see it as an opportunity to recruit me. I get that. It's what people do. But here's the thing. I don't think this has been a problem. I'm focusing on you. Tell me your story. Tell me how you feel. Tell me why. Tell me what you know. If I keep asking and keep listening, instead of spouting a bunch of opinionated junk, that whole sales-pitch thing seems to go away. If you don't have an opinion to push against people don't try as hard to sell it that way. It's a more natural, simple, sharing of information.

I want to apologize for being so judgmental before. Maybe I didn't talk about it but I really saw religious people in a certain light that I am ashamed of. It's true, and I want you to know that my eyes are open now and I see that I was wrong. I'm sorry for my ignorance.

I hope I haven't offended too many people with this post. People of earth, keep on being awesome. I love getting to know you.

Baptism

2010-04-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

Would anyone like to share their thoughts/understanding of baptism? The more detailed, the better. Please include where your understanding comes from, church/religious affiliation, and feel free to present your own questions. I can't answer them but I'd like to know what your thoughts are.

Thanks!

Hello Springzzzz

2010-03-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

With the start of spring I halved my daily dose of Wellbutrin. I was doing alright until a couple of days ago when suddenly I just got so tired, and as each day passes now, I am more tired. I'm sure this is nothing compared to some of the antidepressants out there but man... I am suddenly finding that I hardly have the stamina to type out a paragraph in email, and by the end of the day I just feel sad and sort of confused.

I'm torn between just wanting to get it over with because it's bad, and wanting to wean slowly because it's bad. For the next week I'll just take one every other day, and the next week none at all, and so... For the next couple of weeks I am probably going to drop off the face of the earth because I'm not really good company.

See you on the flipside.

List Madness

2010-03-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

Back in high school my friends and I really liked making ridiculous lists. Usually short ones while out for coffee.

However, one winter, I--with the help of many friends many times--made a list of 705 things to be happy about and 705 things to be depressed about.

I'm reading the latter and cracking up.

150: Chester Copperpot
152: Golf
158: When what you thought was black ends up being brown
175: Stuff floating in your water
177: When Full House makes you cry
183: Ballpoint pens
209: Fear of sleep
323: "The nothing"
416: Ketchup juice
435: School spirit

Just to be fair I'll name some from the happy list:

62. New socks (still one of my very favorite things)
101. Cute old ladies
125. Pink fuzzy PJs
272. Kurt's seasoning (on your mother-in-law)
325. Happy little foothills
558. No naughty cats (why was this funny? I think it had something to do with Dave Bogan)
574. Hamburger fantasies

There were actually a lot of things that made both lists. I think probably most things in life a person could be happy or sad about.

You know, like zoos, or money, or birds at dawn.

Questions, Questions, Questions

2010-03-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

ah... hmm... hmm...

I am paralyzed with fear of wording things in a less than sensitive way. I am terrified to ask people in my life about their beliefs and demand explanations. I have questions that are offensive to people.

I'm not ready to write about it but I need to get that hideous picture of me off of the top of the page.

...

Here is one for you who read the bible: Do you have a favorite bible? A favorite version? I have seven and they are all pretty different when you get down to details. I think many of you probably have a lot more than that.

I went out for coffee with a pastor I know yesterday. I looked at his bible and was strangely jealous. It was obviously well "loved" and full of unintelligible notes. I wanted to know what version it was but I'm not sure there was room for one more question in that conversation.

...

I know a lot of people who talk about being spiritual and have sort of a vague idea of what they kind of sort of believe. I mean, I think most people might fit into this category.

I'm pretty sure I understand what athiests believe. That's easy to understand. What I want to know is, those of you who have other STRONG beliefs, what makes you so sure? And did you always feel that way or did you become that way? Was there any rational thought behind it or something you just felt? It's hard to ask these questions without worrying that people with think I'm trying to poison them with doubt or something.

I just want to understand people a little more.

Inside peek at our very private ceremony

2010-02-15T11:28:00.000-08:00

Really Jason? You want to marry this girl? ... Here I am inebriated at the Samsa Family Christmas. Do you think anyone noticed?

We had to go through metal detectors to get married in Jail. Just kidding, it was in the courthouse... Which is also jail, in Appleton, WI. This is me doin' a Dew before the ceremony. What a classy bride!!!

Swoon!

My mom forced me to hold this bouquet.

Tears...

I surprised Jason by changing my name.

Jason shoots celebratory rubber bands and I try to hold down my Dew. Look at these KIDS!!!

It's been a pretty wild ride. Our first year of marriage brought first time parenthood of an extremely difficult and cute baby and having to search for a new job...

The second year we moved to Madison, then moved again to a different apartment, and found out we were pregnant AGAIN...

The third year we had Leta, and after that everything is a little fuzzy.

Jason, we've had our ups and downs like anyone else but I mean it when I say I think our marriage is better than ever now and with each new day, and I am always impressed with how you have handled it all. I'm looking forward to many more years with you!

xoxoxo

Happy Anniversary!

Mary's Family Restaurant

2010-02-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

Mary's Family Restaurant in Appleton, WI has magical chicken dumpling soup. When I moved to Madison it was one of the things I craved every time I was sick. I didn't WANT homemade soup. I didn't want soup from a can, either. Heck, I didn't want soup with actual chicken in it! And I REALLY didn't want it to be a natural color. I wanted neon yellow dumpling soup from Mary's.

My mom used to buy it for me and bring it home and it was one of the things she did that I will always appreciate and remember fondly. Food is love!

Today I'm thankful that Mary's is still there after all these years because today my friend Kelly brought me a big bucket of The Soup. (THANKS KELLY!) I haven't tried it yet, but you know, I'm just glad it exists!

There are so many places and things from my childhood that are disappearing and I love finding out that some things haven't changed. Even as I become more mature and discerning with my soup, and really prefer my own soup that I've lovingly made from scratch, there will always be something magical about that electric yellow Mary's chicken dumpling.

Bouncing off the Walls

2010-02-10T17:40:00.000-08:00

I go through phases where I have very little impulse control. Everything is interrupted by the irrepressible need to do something... I think of something and must act on it immediately, but then whatever I'm acting on gets interrupted by some other thing I must act on immediately... My life is USUALLY like this, but in a more zombified state. Typical mom-ness.

The difference is that right now I feel like my eyes are bugging out of my head and I'm grinning maniacally, bouncing all around like a monkey. I like it, but it can be embarrassing and I annoy myself a great deal!

...

Also, I have a staring problem. But only if you don't stare back.

...

Do you have tricks for staying focused or for self restraint?

P.S. Haircut day. I love haircut day! Good job, me, for getting a haircut. Oh, oh yeah, and good job, Lowen, for cutting my hair.

P.P.S. Yesss it's finally kid bedtime!!! Grown-up party time! Woohoo!

Illustration Friday--"Muddy"

2010-02-05T08:45:00.000-08:00

Muddy Thoughts
2010

I used to describe my thoughts as muddy quite often. It's a state that I really can't describe any other way. When I hear that word, I always imagine an opaque body of water where you can't really make out anything that's floating around in there, until there is absolute calm and quiet and the dust has a chance to settle...

Eczema on the face

2010-02-03T14:34:00.001-08:00

Cullen and I took Mina to the doctor today because she's having some eczema problems on her face. Well, all over, really, but I can treat the rest of her body. I can't put triamcinolone on her face. Dr. Dude prescribed desonide. Very interesting, I know.

We also talked about the bed-wetting. He doesn't think it's time to worry yet but the first thing to do is have Mina put her sheets in the basket when they're wet. Not as a punishment, but because as a seven year old she is capable of taking care of some things herself. He prescribed desmopressin for sleepovers or trips to grandma's or whatever... [Mom is thinking: too bad she didn't have that last weekend...]

She'll have another blood test after eight more weeks of eating gluten.

Wow, aren't trips to the doctor fascinating? They are when you want to look back and figure out when who had what going on.

Good night, all.

Reflecting

2010-01-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we got the sad news about Jason's step-mom, Debra.

Debra K. Samsa, (Hagstrom, aka Pintar), found peace on Saturday morning, January 23, 2010, at the age of 53.

My heart goes out to the family. Words just can't express the heartache when I think about Jason's dad and step-sister Sonia, and so, so many other people who are missing her right now.

Right now I am taking a small break from the support role to say a few personal words about her.

I would like to say how much and how obvious it was that she loved the kids. Her face lit up when she was around the grandkids and when she talked about her third-grade class, and all the fun projects they did or that she was excited to do. She always kept me company at family gatherings and I felt like the sarcastic brunettes in the corner, united through marriage to Samsa men, like it was a very exclusive club. ;) It was always a comfort that she seemed to want to sit with me!

Deb, you're beautiful and thanks for all the wonderful things you did in your life. You made a difference to so many and the world was a better place because of you. You are missed!

I'm working on another hat

2010-01-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

Pictures soon.

So far it's the comfiest, coziest one I've made!

Happy National Delurking Day!

2010-01-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Now show yourself, reader!

Breaking the silence

2010-01-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

Bits of tid.

1. For the last week our dinners have included gluten. Mina is pretty thrilled about this and tells me every night how yummy our dinner is. I love this.

2. This morning was the big annual IEP meeting and I think it went rather well. This is where you get together with a bunch of people (Social worker, classroom teacher, sp. ed. teacher, physical therapist and occupational therapist were there this morning) and write up the goals for the next school year. It's a pretty big deal. I was 45 minutes early this morning! I have a disease, truly. But I got to sit in the teacher's lounge, drinking soda and coffee and eating candy. Teachers know how to live, man.

3. The physical therapist told me that after she got a perm Mina asked, "Why does your hair look like a blob?" Thankfully the PT has a sense of humor! She also told her she thinks PT is fun. The PT asked, "Did you tell your mom that?" and she replied, "My mom doesn't have to know everything." !!! Indeed.

4. This morning Leta asked for eggs for breakfast. I made the eggs and she hugged me and thanked me for them. I should make eggs every morning. Better yet, Jason should make eggs for Leta when he makes his eggs! :D

5. GO TO SLEEP, CULLEN!

So I decided to make a hat

2010-01-04T13:50:00.000-08:00

...out of a fleece blanket I got from one of those discount carts at Woodman's and some lace from a shirt that was damaged.

To my family: Sorry I have still not mopped the floor. ;)

Give Me Strength...

2010-01-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I have been listening to screaming for too long, I just don't know what to do, and I feel like everything is impossible, that there is no answer, that it will never end, and that if you asked me what one plus one was, not only could I not do the math but I wouldn't be able to understand your words at all. It's the most horrible sensory overload. I can't escape it. I can't close my eyes or plug my ears and I can't even leave. We're all stuck here, to listen to the screaming, at the mercy of a seven year old child's mood.

It is slightly stressful...

Mina, you are hilarious and brilliant, but oh my, you are a handful!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T17:17:00.000-08:00

I got my Christmas wish, and my grandma is out of the hospital and back on the computer where she belongs! Hi grandma!

I was going to do a "Year in review", but since it's the end of the first decade of the second millennium I thought I'd do the decade in review...

2000...
I broke out of relationship jail.
I cried at my mom's wedding.
My brother graduated from MIAD and we all stayed at the Knickerbacker in Milwaukee.
I was homeless for a month and a half or so... (aka stayed with friends)
I moved into Virginia Village where I paid $425/mo. for a one bedroom apartment with fake wood paneling and an odor, but it was MINE! And it was glorious.
I quit my job at Plexus.

2001...
I got my first computer, a hand-me-down from my mom which was a hand-me-down from my grandma.
I got a job as a "copy girl" at an accounting firm.
I got a job as a cake decorator.
I got a job as a barista.
I broke up with my boyfriend and moved in with Sarah, Jamison and their baby, Chloe.
I turned 21 and drank a LOT.
I started dating this guy, Jason, and we drank a lot together.
I quit decorating cake.
I babysat Chloe.
I went to school.
I QUIT SMOKING!
I fell in love.
I went camping for the first time in Washington state and British Columbia.

2002...
I got married to that Jason guy. :)
Eventually I even moved in with him...
I was pregnant and it's kind of a blur, but I remember that I couldn't eat chicken, eggs, garlic, tomatoes... There was plenty of all-day sickness... And I wanted to eat mustard and toothpaste pretty much all the time.
I had baby Mina and felt like I woke up from what I thought I knew as life to discover something much more intense. I cried in my rocking chair in the wee hours of the morning because I almost couldn't handle how much I LOVED her.

2003...
Jason got a job in Madison and we moved our little family to a flat in a hip neighborhood.
We ate lots of grilled meat.
We moved to a townhouse. Shortly after that, the house two doors down from our flat exploded. Shortly after that, a small plane crashed near our new neighborhood!
Jason and I stood up in my brother's wedding at Devil's Lake.
We got pregnant with Leta.
Mina turned ONE.
I took a French class and my prof. was also expecting her second child around the same time.

2004...
Mon frere and his new bride joined the Peace Corps and moved to Zambia.
I spoke broken French in a ridiculous accent to baby Mina and made her laugh a lot.
Leta was born!
I saw my dad for the first time in many years!
Mina had her first trip to the ER for her first set of stitches. We were completely freaked out by the hole in her face and the gushing blood.
Mina turned TWO.
We visited my grandparents in Florida.

2005...
I aced my chemistry class.
Leta turned ONE!
We attended Jason's 10 year HS reunion.
Jason diagnosed me with Obsessive-Compulsive Furniture Rearranging Disorder (OCFRD)
Mina had lots of doctor appointments and tests. She had to stop eating wheat. She had terrible eczema. She was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified and put on the waiting list for her medicaid slot in order to get funding for therapy. She was on the waiting list for one year.
Mina turned THREE.
Mina had her second trip to the ER for stitches in her face.

2006...
Leta turned TWO!
Shannon and Laney returned from Zambia!
Mina turned FOUR.
Mina started working with the Wisconsin Early Autism Project.
We bought our house. My grandma warned, "New house, new baby..." I told her that was CRAZY TALK...

2007...
We celebrated five years of marriage.
We got pregnant with Cullen!
Leta turned THREE.
I spent lots of time vomiting until I started taking Zofran, the modern miracle.
I celebrated Cullen's second trimester with two trips to the ER and I got to see LOTS of pictures of him.
We visited my family in Florida.
We bought a MINIVAN.
Mina started preschool.
Mina turned FIVE.
Cullen was born!

2008...
I started running.
Leta turned FOUR.
My brother gave me the Panama hat and kicked off "The Panama Hat Years".
Leta started preschool.
Mina started Kindergarten.
Mina "graduated" from therapy, turned six, had a tooth pulled.
Cullen turned ONE!
I had a wee nervous breakdown and started using a light box and taking Wellbutrin...
Mina got glasses.

2009...
Boy oh boy. This year was... I'm not sure I'm ready to reflect on this year, actually! Let's just say it started horribly and with lots of elbow grease it really turned around and I am so grateful for my husband and family.
I decorated some cakes, too. ;)

...

2010, I think, is going to be a great year. I'm going to devote time every day to creativity. I don't want to let another day slip by where the only thing I did was clean something that's going to be dirty again tomorrow. I'd also like to continue trying to tell people how much they mean to me more instead of just thinking that someday I should.

This year, I am going to savor the sound of Cullen's little feet running away from me, and the way he giggles impishly when he turns out the light and closes the door when I'm trying to hang up his clothes. I'm going to be generous with love. I'm going to ask for help when I need it. I'm going to talk about the things I'm thinking about.

Yeah...

Follow up from Leapfrog

2009-12-26T06:47:00.000-08:00

We apologize for this inconvenience. Our system must had encoded the information that you typed during you placed the order online. Our home office already investigated your concern.

Should you need further assistance, feel free to let us know.

hilarious.

Civil Matter or Cyber-Crime?

2009-12-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

On Monday morning I was just taking a look at our checking account when I noticed a charge I didn't make for Leapfrog Enterprises. I called Jason right away to ask him if he made it, and he didn't.

I called my credit union and explained the situation. They hotlisted my debit card and said I should call Leapfrog. They used some language that really rubbed me the wrong way, like "IF" I didn't make the charge... But maybe I'm being too sensitive.

I called Leapfrog and went through the menu of choices, none of which seemed exactly right for this situation. I got through to customer service. I explained that there was a charge on my debit card and I hadn't ordered anything. It took a few times before they stopped asking me what the problem was with my order. After a while they were able to pull up the order. They repeated my name, my billing address, but when they got to the email, it wasn't my email, and when they said who and where it was shipping to, of course I had no idea who it was. Eventually he said he was putting it through to the "home office" and that they would be emailing me after a period of 24 hours. I told him I would prefer a call much sooner than that and he said he would make a note of it.

I didn't feel great about that interaction. I called the bank again and told them about it, and the woman I spoke with said I should wait for Leapfrog to contact me if they said they would. I told her I had serious doubts about whether they would contact me or do anything about this. She told me I should forward the email to her if they emailed, and send any more information to her if I spoke with them on the phone again. I asked if they could do a chargeback and she said they couldn't because it was with a debit card.

24 hours passed and I called Leapfrog again. I was sort of alarmed that it sounded like the same person I spoke with yesterday, and he was saying a lot of the same things he'd said yesterday. Between everything he said, it was silent, and when he spoke there was background noise. I suspect I was dealing with a very intelligent computer and not a live person. "Alex" was his name. He had no record of the phone call from yesterday and couldn't pull up the order. I told him he could pull up the order YESTERDAY... He put me on hold about fifty times before he said he'd pulled up the order. First he said it was shipped, then no wait, it was ready to be shipped. I asked him to cancel the order then, and he put me on hold fifty more times, saying, "Thank you for patiently staying on the line, I'm just" dead air "um" dead air" processing that information"... Finally he said he was so sorry but that it had already been shipped. I asked for the name and address and had him spell it out for me several times.

The order was shipped to a "Lisa Toothman" at:
514 N. Lemon St. Apt. B
Ontario, California

He told me he could not reverse the charge until he received the returned item and I felt like I was really going to lose it. "You won't receive it because I don't have it because I didn't order it and I want to know what you are going to do about it" or something like that... He said he was going to put it through to the home office. I asked what home office. I asked for a phone number of this home office. He couldn't give me one. I asked for any phone number and he could not provide one. I asked if he was a computer. He assured me he was a live person. That's when I asked his name and he said it was Alex. I asked to speak to his supervisor and he put me on hold fifty more times, in between telling me "Thank you for patiently staying on the line," dead air, "Um," dead air, "Hilary," dead air, "Please stay on the line,"... Then he told me what he was going to do is put it through to the home office... and you see, it all went around and around like this and I was on the phone with this garbage for about 45 minutes, during which time Cullen woke from his nap and was crying at the door, and I was trying to keep the girls busy in their rooms. He said I could email leapfrog at leap(crackle)com. "What was that?" Then he said "Oh so sorry, that's leapfrog, " dead air, "uh," dead air, "leapfrogsupport.com" and I said, "That's not an email address, it is a website..." then he said some more "I understand" and "You're right" and then told me to write a letter and gave me the address. I told him this was an urgent matter and I wanted to talk to someone about it right away and writing a letter from Wisconsin wasn't a very efficient way of doing things.

Well anyway, you get the idea.

I got the following email:

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Below is a summary of your request and our response.

Subject

order inquiry

Discussion Thread

Response (Dave Gregory A.) 12/22/2009 03:20 PM

Try to contact your bank and try to verify if you indeed charged by Leapfrog on an order you did not placed.

Should you need further assistance, feel free to let us know.

Thanks, Dave Gregory A! Really.

I told him that I did, then asked why they shipped the product today when I told them YESTERDAY that it was a fraudulent charge... Of course I haven't heard back.

I was really upset about it when Jason came home. He decided to call the Ontario, California police department to tell them about it since we had the address the package was sent to. They told him to call his own police department. Well, he knew this was kind of silly but he did anyway, and they said it was a civil matter and not a criminal matter. Then Jason said he could see why I was so upset!

...

I'm just so disappointed. I am disappointed in Leapfrog, I'm disappointed in people, and my Christmas spirit is shaken. I'm not too thrilled with my Credit Union, either. And now I'm scared to death to use a debit card for anything since if I'd used a credit card this matter would be resolved by now.

Special Christmas Wish

2009-12-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Grandma Char (she is "sharlea" and often signs with "GG" when she comments here) went to the ICU over the last week for some pretty serious stuff. She has been on my mind pretty constantly. I know she will be really upset about missing Christmas at home. I am just hoping so so so hard that she gets better soon. She's so important to all of us, she's been so supportive and active in our lives, she makes sure we never lose touch, she keeps up with everything--she reads my blog, she facebooks, she's on twitter, etc. She is the matriarch at the center of this family... I know it's hard for her to be out of commission and away from home. She's a worrier. I wish I could go over there and make sure there aren't clothes mildewing in the washer because I just know she is thinking about all of that stuff!

Grandma Char, I love you and I miss you and all I want for Christmas is for you to get well!

And so it begins...

2009-12-13T18:15:00.001-08:00

...Is it bad that I think this is funny?

Spread the rug?

I like that "Eat kake" is first on this list...

If only we had an extra room. I would probably never clean it so it's good that Mina's got it covered.

I think these might be Leta's...

Their room was LITTERED with these to do lists. I expected to find drawings, not this! Maybe we make too many lists...

Rahel's Cake

2009-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

Mom-to-be is into monsters...

This is pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting and it was fun to do. Rahel and Brett, I hope your baby isn't a monster. ;)

Another post about grocery shopping?!

2009-11-27T17:18:00.000-08:00

I always want to know what other people have in stock on a weekly basis...

I did my weekly grocery shopping today. Keep in mind that I am still finishing off chicken soup, we have plenty of rice, spaghetti ingredients and things like that...

Soy creamer
Vanilla yogurt
Sour cream
Marble jack
Soy milk
English muffins
GF Waffles
Rice chex
Salsa
Spinach
Clementines
Red bell peppers
Onions
Pears
Bananas
Apples
Frozen corn
Cough drops
Chicken breasts
Eggs
Chocolates
GF crackers
Tortilla chips
Corn puffs
Pretzels
Trail mix
Tostadas
Flour tortillas
Couscous
Refried beans
Cornbread mix
Pinto beans
Great northern beans
Diced tomatoes
Coffee

So there you have it... That's what we're made of. I'm going to be making chili and then using the leftovers to create different meals throughout the week.

What are some of your favorite foods/staples? Meals that make good leftovers?

What's going on up there?

2009-11-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

I'm bummed about missing Thanksgiving with my mom.
I read an article about a custody battle over a 7 year old autistic boy whose mother is attempting to cure him with chelation and chemical castration among other things, and whose father disagrees...
I also read about Autism Speaks bullying autistics who can speak for themselves, like this t-shirt designer and this 14 year old autistic girl who created a spoof website NTSpeaks.org ...
I'm imagining what will happen when the children of curebie parents become angsty teenagers who feel like their parents hate who they are...
I'm thinking I didn't drink enough water today...
I'm patting myself on the back for fighting the urge to lose my temper at Mina tonight, instead setting the timer on my iphone and letting her watch it while she cleaned up...
I'm thankful for my cozy home and the family inside it, for the car that took me to the grocery store and the job that provided the money to buy the slightly unsavory frozen fried Chinese morsels, and the husband who likes talking to me, laughs at my jokes, and wants to make me happy...

That's about it. Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for reading!

Back in Business

2009-11-25T04:48:00.000-08:00

(Woops... I forgot to post yesterday.)

The kids are going back to school today. I think. I am really behind on stuff...

Edit: Just kidding! Mina is staying home!

Edit: Just kidding! She really did go to school! AHAHA! Fooled you there!

Little Mysteries

2009-11-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

We've noticed over the last few days that Mina has been pulling out her hair. This is one of those things that could be nothing but could turn into something huge, that parents like me lose sleep over. I'd find a little pile of hair and yell for her, show it to her, become upset. The wrong thing to do, I know.

I imagined her with bald spots, or masses of hair in her stomach, in treatment...

I read about it. I fretted--even though I have definitely spent a lot of time plucking out hair, enjoying the sensation, studying the root, and I don't have that problem today nor was it ever really a problem. I was also a nail biter as a child, and am still a terrible skin picker with scarring to prove it. I used to peel the skin off of my lips with my teeth and make them bleed. That's just how I roll.

Anyway, today I asked Mina if she just started doing it. She said yes. I asked her if she did it because she liked looking at the root of her hair. A slow smile spread across her face. She said yes. Then she told me that about a week ago she pulled a hair out by accident, and noticed the root, and has been wanting to look more. Then I asked if she wanted to look at pictures of hair on the computer and she said yes, and we had a wonderful time then... I told her we could look at more pictures anytime.

So there you have it. She's not suffering from a mental disorder. She's just curious! If anyone is looking for Christmas ideas for her, I think she would love a book with lots of gross, weird, cool pictures... She is always asking me to google "gross stuff". Like mother, like daughter!

It's My Mama's Birthday

2009-11-22T04:58:00.000-08:00

Hip, hip, hooray! Happy 55, lady! Here's to 55 more!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

WE LOVE YOU!!!

Was I complaining about Not Really Sick Days yesterday?

2009-11-21T17:13:00.000-08:00

OKAY I get it, I get it.

Mina woke up with a fever today. It was pretty high, so I gave her some Motrin. She ate some cereal, then laid around a bit. When Jason was taking everyone outside, Mina wanted to go with. A minute later she was back inside saying she was too tired. It all went downhill from there. We went back and forth about what to do, reading "when to contact a doctor" criteria over and over. I was actually more worried because she keeps getting these mysterious fevers. Then all of a sudden today she started coughing...

Jason talked me into calling. I was happy that I knew the doctor on call. She said all signs point to it being H1N1 and talked about that a bit... I told her that my husband is on immunosuppressants and she said he and Mina should both take Tamiflu... Jason once daily and Mina twice daily.

Mina has been so, so, so miserable. She has been in bed the whole day and needs help just walking to the bathroom. It's heartbreaking. Coughing makes her cry. Her voice is so weak and pathetic.

I really hope no one else gets sick! I guess my posts for the next few days will be about how everyone is feeling since that's pretty much all I can think about.

Not Really Sick Days

2009-11-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

Mina's drawing that I colored. Do you see what's happening here? That bird just snagged a big juicy worm from the ground. That is the worm family crying out for the doomed worm. The sun is crying. The big thing on the right is a shoe.

Umm... My drawing wasn't as creative. I like the way Mina colored it, though.

Mina was up all night with a fever, so I couldn't send her to school today. However, she is feeling JUST FINE, and has pretty much been talking my ear off all day. Not just talking, either. Asking questions. Drawing pictures for me to color, and asking me to draw pictures for her. Then not being able to find exactly the right crayon.

It's messing with my routine.

I am thankful that she isn't sick, that she can talk, that she is super creative and inquisitive and interesting, I really am. I just need two minutes of quiet.

I don't really have anything to say

2009-11-19T17:37:00.001-08:00

If you read that title and said, "OoooOOOOooh! Must read on!" then you are... Something special.

I just felt like writing. For some reason the fact that this posts on facebook creates more pressure to write something that isn't totally stupid. It doesn't always work...

I'm going to do my own NaBloPoMo or whatever starting at this totally random mid-month day. I'm going to write and post something every day, no matter what, and hopefully I won't lose too many readers from cranking out this garbage. It will be cathartic and that's the most important thing. That and FAME! Just kidding.

It's been a long day. It's almost always been a long day. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect that all days are the same length!

Someday soon I'd like to put the kids to bed in a good mood. Today we told them to get ready an hour early and read in bed. This plan backfired, though, because Mina couldn't find her library books. They must be at school. She wouldn't accept this. She was upset, almost hysterical, we turned this place inside out looking for them. Finally after 35 minutes, she stopped and said, "I could read a book I've already read!"

*blinkblink*

Yyyyyeah. Why didn't I say that? I guess I thought it was implied? Am I new here?

Alright people. It's TV time.

Bug Cake

2009-11-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Tim!
I hear Tim's daughter, Morella, calls all insects "Bees". Obviously she doesn't have a degree in entomology like her dad. You'll notice there are no actual bees on this cake.

Who's hungry?!

Chocolate cake with buttercream frosting and gum paste (edible) bugs.

Update

2009-11-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

As of this morning the price tags were the same. It's nearly every type of fruit cup, whether it says each or per pack or whatever the unit is, they are all wrong. No sign, no indication of unit price error, no sorry for the inconvenience. Cullen wanted to start knocking displays over and stuff but I managed to get him out of the building before he gave them a piece of his mind. You don't want to mess with Cullen when he's angry. Ohohohoh, no, no you do not.

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my brother!

The unit prices of food v. the actual retail price at Copps: a tale of deception, anger, and love of one's family

2009-11-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

Says Wisconsin Legislature:

100.183(1)
(1) No person, firm, corporation or association shall, with intent to sell, or increase the consumption thereof, or create an interest therein, make, publish, disseminate, circulate, or place before the public in this state, or cause, directly or indirectly to be made, published, disseminated, or placed before the public in this state, in a newspaper or other publication, or in the form of a book notice, handbill, poster, bill, circular or pamphlet, or in any other manner, an advertisement of any sort regarding articles of food, which advertisement contains any assertion, representation or statement which is untrue, deceptive or misleading.

I try to be a smart shopper and I always look at unit prices when comparing products to see which is the best deal. It helps you compare a 1lb bag of corn chips with a 10 oz bag of corn chips without having to do math, because the unit price tells you that one brand is 18 cents per ounce and the other bag is 27 cents per ounce (or even 60 cents per ounce in some cases...) when they all look sort of the same.

Yesterday while I was shopping at Copps I was considering buying some sort of fruit cup/apple sauce cup kind of thing for the girls' school lunches. They all seemed like a rip off but I decided to look at unit prices anyway. I looked at some Dole fruit cups that were on sale. 12.8 cents per pk? Maybe not such a rip off! How many do you get? Four? So let me get this straight. This should cost $0.51? Seems like a better deal than most! But hold on a second. Do you see it? It's $2.05. The PER PK price for a 4 PK of this should be $0.51. But if you were just glancing at unit prices you would be tricked into thinking this one is a better deal than that one. I took a look at some of the other fruit cups and found similar mistakes, and I started to wonder about the whole store.

As I went on with my shopping trip I started getting upset about this. By the time I was finished and the Customer Service Rep who was helping out asked if I was ready to check out, I was ready to take on all of the wicked injustices of the world.

"I have to show you something..." I said, and brought her over to the fruit cups.

I told her that I rely on unit prices to tell me how to get the most food for the least amount of money and I noticed that their unit prices were incorrect. "I want to pay THIS PRICE," I said, pointing to the misleadingly low unit prices.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, this is the actual price of the product. The unit prices are wrong. I don't know how that happened."

I wondered aloud about the REST of the store. I told her those labels needed to be fixed immediately so other customers don't compare unit prices and think they're getting a deal.

SHE said she didn't think other customers were looking at unit prices.

"I guarantee I am not the only one looking at unit prices. People are broke! They have families to feed! They are trying to be smart shoppers!"

She told me that the labels come from "Corporate" and it could take a while to get the right labels out.

"What are you going to do RIGHT NOW?"

"Ma'am, I... Don't know what to tell you... We can't do anything right now... We can't go through every single product to check the unit price right now. Like I said, we can't change the price tags right now."

"REALLY? What would make it worth your while to DO SOMETHING about this? Should we stand here together taking all the prices down? I spend $12,000 a year at this store feeding my family of five! Price comparison helps us pay the bills and there are lots of people out there who are worse off than us. This is important! Do I need to call Channel 15? What needs to be done?"

"I don't think you need to do that. Like I said it's going to take time--"

"You need to inform your customers of this NOW."

"I understand that, ma'am--"

"I don't want to come back tomorrow and see that nothing has changed."

"I can't guarantee--"

"I don't want to come back in an HOUR to see that nothing has changed."

"I don't know what to tell you..."

I sighed, "Just make a sign to tell customers that the unit price is incorrect and attach it to these shelves, please."

"O-okay."

"You're going to do that?"

"Yes."

"Excellent."

I got out my iphone and snapped the above pictures, then went on to check out.

I realize that I may have gotten more steamed than I needed to about this, but as a "mama bear" I feel that when I'm getting deceived on unit prices, these people are taking food out of the mouths of my children, and boy do those instincts kick in.

Please, smart shoppers, pay attention to this stuff. They need to know that you're paying attention, and that these mistakes aren't okay.

And if anyone is shopping at Copps, do me a favor and check the unit prices on the fruit cups. ;)

Sometimes I get stuck

2009-10-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

reading livejournal archives for hours. It's like when you get out an old photo album and then you end up looking at all of them. Anyway, here is something from when Mina was 3 1/2 or so...

I was trying to get the pen ink flowing so I thought I'd write down conversations I was having with Mina. It was during the height of her "pretend play with letters" phase.

HILARY: I want to write a story, Mina.
MINA: About E!
HILARY: What is E like?"
MINA: A flower.
HILARY: What does E like to do?
MINA: The E wants to talk, mama.
HILARY: What does E want to say?
MINA: E say, BUMMER.
HILARY: What's a bummer?
MINA: Leta's a bummer...no, how 'bout E's a bummer, mama."
HILARY: Is E sad?
MINA: Or E happy?
HILARY: What is E happy about?...(no response)...What does E LOVE?
MINA: The flower...
HILARY: What else?
MINA: Pickle. E likes to talk to pickle.
HILARY: E likes to talk to the pickle? What about?
MINA: E talks of POWER, mama.
I want some more peanut butter please, mama.

-fin-

Cullen goes to the doctor

2009-10-26T19:19:00.000-07:00

I should re-name this blog "Our Health" since all I ever talk about is going to the doctor and kids getting sick.

Anyway...

He was perfectly happy until he had to take off his jacket, and then he started with the kicking, screaming and crying. I held him against the wall to get his height, and managed to catch his weight in the split second before he ran off of the scale. He went crazy when the nurse was trying to get his head circumference and there was no way he was going to let her anywhere near him with the stethoscope.

He wasn't any better for Dr. Dude. "What happened? We used to be buds!" he said when Cullen was hiding behind a book yelling, "NO!"

Sad.

He's a big kid. Off the charts for height and 95th percentile for weight? Something like that. A big, healthy kid.

Just have to work on the attitude.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CULLEN!

2009-10-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

I'm saying, "Let's have this baby!"

Two days old

Today Cullen is TWO YEARS OLD! So of course, we must travel back in time to the day he was born. (Labor story, possible TMI)

The night before, I was determined to have a baby, even though my regular doctor ("Dr. Awesome") was out of town and the resident "Dr. Dude" would be delivering my baby...

I had a funny feeling in my toe that conditions were right and with the proper encouragement we could have that baby. Jason and I had twinkles in our eyes as we laid down to bed that night. I woke up in the wee hours with a sort of quiet crampy, icky feeling. It was quiet enough that I wasn't sure. I laid there for a short while, riding out some more icky cramps, feeling a bit sick.

Finally at around... Oh, I don't know, 4am? (Should have written this when all the details were fresh!) I got out of bed to see if I could time any of it. I don't remember timing anything though, I just remember having one that I definitely for sure felt was a labor pain. I was posting in my livejournal when that happened. I knew then that it was time to call Laura.

*ring...ring...*
"NO... NOT YET..."
"Sorry..."
"Okay... See you soon..."

That's about how it went I think. I think it was after I called Laura that I woke up Jason and we got ready to go. I was mostly ready. Anything we were doing to be ready at that point was extra. I was feeling okay. I remember having one or two big contractions in the kitchen before getting in the car, and was mostly okay in the car which was one of my big worries. The car can be a terrible place for pain. I vaguely recall listening to the Cure which is a GREAT place for pain. ;)

I think it was maybe 5:30am when we got to the hospital. I spent some time in triage, getting checked out. I was just starting to have some pretty bad contractions, but some were okay. It was kind of inconsistent and I was surprised when they said I was 7ish cm dilated. I thought I would be maybe five, or worse, that it was false labor.

Still, it took about three hours to get to ten. I was in a hospital gown, on all fours on my birthing bed with my bare butt in the air when the doctor arrived. That is a story that, I'm proud to say, made my friend actually spit out her coffee. I should maybe point out that at the time I sort of... well I felt a little funny about Dr. Dude, because he's the same age as my peer group, and I don't know, I didn't get the "doctor" vibe from him? So here's this young dude who isn't my husband being greeted by my bare butt in the air...

Of course, it only gets worse from there. Suffice to say... I got over it.

Anyway, I remember he kept checking and telling me, "There's just that last bit of lip yet..." As if I could do anything about it. I suppose he was telling me so I knew not to start pushing yet.

I sat on the side of the bed for most contractions, with my feet on the ground, leaning into Jason, and breathing in his t-shirt. My husband always smells good. I don't know what it is. When I smell his skin I am instantly calm. During the postpartum dark days I frequently took little "smell Jason" breaks. This probably sounds insane. Anyway, it's true, so now you all know my secret to happiness--huffing Jason's pheromones.

It was about 8:30 when Dr. Dude gave me the go ahead to start pushing. I wasn't in a good position for pushing. I was just a smidge too reclined. I was past the point of being uh... verbal though, so nothing was done about this. I felt a little powerless at this point but kept pushing anyway. Dr. Dude started applying some pressure on the perineum and telling me to push "right here"... It wasn't long after that! At 9:11am on this day one year ago, our baby boy was born!

I had one stitch and Cullen was perfectly healthy.

I had so much fun that evening with Stephanie, Laima, Laura and Tim sitting around (while I was a bit doped up) thinking of baby names and laughing. I'll always remember that. I was so glad to have them there, passing the time, sharing hearty laughter.

Cullen, my sweet baby boy... You're no longer a baby, but deep in the throes of toddlerhood. You are my most stubborn child. You are a stereotypical boy, drawn to balls, trucks, trains... When we give you a doll you throw it as hard as you can. You plow other kids over and steal their toys, and are always wrestling with your sisters. You only recently stopped hating baths. Sometimes when we scold you or you don't like what's going on, you close your eyes and wrinkle your nose... You frown... I think you are trying to cry. It's hilarious. Especially when you open one eye a little, then close it again...

Right now you're wearing an oven mitt and carrying an etch-a-sketch around. Those two things seem to go together...

Kid, I have to admit, I'm head over heals in love with you. You brighten each and every day of our lives. I'm so excited (and a little scared) to watch you grow into a big boy!

xoxoxoxoxo...

Mina goes to the dentist!

2009-10-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

Mina had a cleaning today. Those of you with AS kids probably know what a big deal this is. I mean, it's a big deal anyway, kind of, but a much bigger deal for a kid with sensory defensiveness. There is a long list of things about an appointment like this that could go horribly wrong. She might not want to get in the chair. She might freak out when the chair raises/goes back. She might cry about the light. She might be scared of the television. She might hate the music. She might not open her mouth. She might not bite down on the bite-wings. She might not want to separate from me during x-rays. She might not want to go to the bathroom and have an accident.

I know, I know, it sounds crazy. I sound crazy. But these are all things that would have bothered her at one time, and today I'm happy to report that she seems to have outgrown all of it--or at least has established trust with the staff at the dentist office.

It was fine. She did great and she wasn't scared at all. She even went to the x-ray room without me. Wow.

And guess what else. NO CAVITIES!

Dr. Tony said he just couldn't believe that tooth she pulled out was still there. He said he wouldn't believe it if he didn't see it with his own eyes. The hygienist asked, "You remember that?" and he said, "How could I forget?"

He called Mina "Princess" (he does this to all the little girls) and she didn't even yell, "I'm not a princess!" She has matured to a simple eyeroll. Love it.

He thinks she might have some crowding issues and need to see an orthodontist down the road... We'll see. I seem to remember dentists saying that about me when I was a kid and my teeth are Just Fine.

Anyway...

I think we should celebrate no cavities with root beer floats, don't you?

Healers

2009-10-13T20:31:00.001-07:00

When my friend posted something about how her stylist never remembers her, it made me feel pretty grateful for having a stylist I love.

I feel that my life is better because of it. When I lived in Appleton I really liked the boy who did my hair, and I was really bummed when I moved to Madison because I kept trying people out and just not feeling the love. Pretty soon I was snipping away at my own hair and looking like a crazy person.

Then I started going to Lowen and everything got better!

I wish for everyone I care about--that they could have two important people in their corner--A good stylist and a good doctor. I'm pretty sure these are both equally good for my health.

When I go to the salon, I am taking care of myself by seeking help. When I go to the clinic, I am doing the same. I don't want to do either if I don't feel comfortable with who I am getting help from.

It's not so crazy really. They apparently stem from the same roots... I just read this interesting article about barbers and surgeons...

Specialization of professions is a relatively new invention. Back then, barbers were also dentists and surgeons, versatile performers of tooth extraction and enemas, bloodletting and wound surgery.

And as a bonus, a bit about Sweeny Todd:

A Spot of Trivia
If barbers had once been popular for being administers of therapeutic medicine, they were certainly made unpopular by the appearance of Sweeney Todd. Sweeney Todd (a.k.a. the Demon Barber) was a character from a 19th century horror flick, made popular by Stephen Sondheim’s musical, a razor-wielding barber who killed his customers for cash and turned them into meat pies. He first appeared in 1846 as a secondary character in a short story called ‘The String of Pearls: A Romance” (by Thomas Prest) that was published in The People’s Periodical. A hack playwright by the name of George Dibdin Pitt, who commonly filched other people’s stories, dramatized the story for the stage as “The String of Pearls: The Fiend on Fleet Street”, and advertised it as “founded on fact”. This play debuted at London’s Hoxton Theatre on March 1, 1847, and ever since then people have been speculating as to whether Sweeney Todd had really existed, or if he was simply an fictional bogeyman invented to sate the appetite of the morbid Victorian imagination.
Did Sweeney Todd really exist? Up until recently, nobody knew. A number of daily newspapers at the time had reported real-life horror stories that bore certain similarity to the ghastly tale of Sweeney Todd. (Stories of fainting ladies aside, the Victorian community had an enormous – and morbid – appetite for all things ghastly. Shocking tales of crime like this would have been spread through word of mouth like wildfire… although they were also probably embellished along the way) Also, many horror tales in the 19th century – ‘penny dreadfuls’ – were actually fictionalized accounts of real stories. And it was known that Thomas Prest, who first wrote about Sweeney Todd, had the habit of scouring newspapers for story ideas. However, these were just written off by most as a story to scare bad children and to thrill audiences.
All of this changed when British author Peter Haining recently revealed, through painstaking research, that there was once a psycopathic barber named Sweeney Todd who lived in the 19th century and who did actually murder his customers for money, although his tale is somewhat less exciting than Stephen Sondheim's famous musical. Unlike the Sondheim/Prest dramatized character, Sweeney Todd was simply an amoral, bitter man who was not adverse to killing for money. (The Victorians would have been disappointed) To know more, click here.
Man or myth, one thing is for sure - the tale of Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber, is not likely to be forgotten anytime soon. As Anna Pavord of the London Observer wrote in 1979,
“Sweeney Todd will never die. We all need bogeymen and he was bogier than most.”

You're welcome. Sweet dreams.

I AM AWESOME. And other random stuff from this week.

2009-10-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I made my whiteboard with a ridiculous amount of tasks on sticky notes all over it. I gave myself two weeks to complete these tasks. Well, folks, I'm happy to report that today my whiteboard was EMPTY! I finished things I've been trying to do for MANY MONTHS. And it wasn't all that hard! I just had to do one thing at a time--and if I got interrupted, I didn't have to waste any time trying to think of what I was doing.

Let's say I have five minutes. I look for something I can easily do in five minutes. Maybe Cullen is sleeping--I look for something that is more involved but can be done quietly. If there are children around, I look for something I can do with them or around them... You get the idea. It worked out beautifully.

Leta was even sick last week, and I was sick over the weekend.

Yes, I was. I got sick. It happens sometimes. I was so sick on Saturday--it was as bad as my pregnancy with Cullen before I started taking the miracle drug Zofran. The nausea, the incessant vomiting, the dehydration, the backache. Horrible.

Jason was such an angel and he really saved my hide the next day at Mina's birthday party. I was recovering, but still feeling weak and not ready to eat anything. Jason brought everything in (to the YMCA where we had the birthday party), set it up, chased Cullen around for two hours while the kids swam and bounced and I did the easy stuff--sitting and gabbing with the other moms. He dished up food, blew up punching balloons, and was basically my hero. Thank you Jason.

Oh, back to me being awesome. It's come to my attention that I have a little problem with letting little setbacks bring me way way WAY down. I don't feel that way about life, generally, I think I take things in stride, keep my chin up in the face of adversity, etc. However, when it comes to my own productivity I really have a distorted self image sometimes, and once I fall below a certain line, forget it, I'm going to be down there for weeks. Anyway, the whiteboard helps me with this, too.

And now I will shut up about the whiteboard.

Good night.

Seven Years Ago Today... (some old, some new...)

2009-10-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this chubster? I thought we were getting a newborn!

I get a little choked up every single time I look at this black and white picture. The day Mina was born, I realized there was so much about life that I knew nothing about. So much that this little baby had to teach me.

September 30th, 2002... In the evening my sister-in-law-to-be Laney called because she was procrastinating practicing the violin. I remember telling her nonchalantly that I would be in labor that night.

I was sort of disappointed as we climbed into bed and nothing was happening.

I fell asleep watching Conan O'Brian... and woke up at 12:30 am, October 1st (Mina's due date!) having a VERY strong contraction! My water broke when I went to the bathroom. It was CONSTANT gushing, I remember sort of laughing and fumbling around trying to do something about that.

I woke Jason around 1 am and he suggested we try to sleep some more, which is what they tell you to do in Lamaze. I laid down to have another violent contraction. I told him there was no way I could sleep and that we should get ready. My contractions were coming full force. Jason started timing them--3 minutes apart. He called the doctor, my mom and dad and started getting the car packed up, while I was on all fours just trying to hold the baby in.

The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. We got there at 2. I went into the emergency room doors and fell to my hands and knees, having contractions, breathing, sweating, my pants falling down... I remember imagining that my pain was going out through my fingertips and into the ground. It was the most surreal thing... Jason came in after me and they wheeled me up to the maternity ward.

They checked my cervix--8 cm they said. The doctor was called and he got there very fast. They strapped a heart monitor to my belly and the baby's heart rate was dropping, so I had to lay on my side while they gave me oxygen and it came back up. It wasn't long before I was at 10 cm dilated. I pushed through a few contractions and out she came, at 3:27 am, a very plump, hairy, healthy girl. Jason was crying and I was so relieved. She was 8 lb. 13 1/2 oz and was 21 1/4 in. long. It was a Tuesday morning. I had a frozen diaper in my disposable panties and a new little person in my arms. We stayed until Thursday morning. I had one stitch.

...

I just can't say it any better than I said it last year:
Mina, you are a very strange kid and I love you for it. You are curious and sensitive, thoughtful, creative... You are endlessly fascinating and beautiful. I wish that every moment of your life could be happy and I get sad when you are sad. I hope we can make you strong without making you tough, make you wise without making you jaded. I hope we can teach you to behave without traumatizing you. I hope we can teach you to create without stifling you. I hope we can give you wings that will take you far. You think being a kid is scary--it's nothing compared to being a parent hoping and praying for their child.

Thankfully, I suspect that you need our help a lot less than we think you do. You're already strong. You're already wise beyond your years. You know things before we have a chance to teach you, and you are already so much more creative than I could ever be. We just have to try, try, try not to crush your wings.

...

This year you aren't sick on your birthday! You're at school enjoying the cupcakes I brought in for the class! You get to have a birthday party with your classmates, and your grandma is even here. I hope that makes up for the lousy day you had last year a little.

This year you are so much more confident than I've seen you in a long time. I love how proud you are of being a big kid, showing your sister the ropes. You say things like, "Think of how that ant must feel..." You can read chapter books! This is such an exciting time for me to be your mom! This year the ophthalmologist said our efforts were likely to be futile--that there was little to no hope for your lazy eye. We didn't give up and your eyesight is improving dramatically! This year the dentist said he didn't believe you would be able to keep the permanent tooth you pulled out, but you were very good and careful and it stuck! You're the kid who beats the odds.

I'm so proud of you and I hope you always know how much your mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, and everyone who is lucky enough to know you LOVE you. Keep on being awesome.

Good Grief!

2009-09-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Jason was totally grossed out by the picture of my mouth ulcer. He says I shouldn't have posted it. Now I'm embarrassed. I really have no idea what's gross and what isn't. I guess I like looking at gross pictures of injuries and diseases. *shrug*

Sorry.

Quiet Week

2009-09-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

This has been a quiet week for me. Usually when I'm having a quiet week I'm busy thinking. This week I'm not thinking a lot. I'm just sort of resting, and keeping busy--if that makes sense. I've been living in jeans and t-shirts, no make-up. I'm not interested in being pretty or looking well put together this week. I'm not sad, I just feel like laying low and doing busy work.
I've been working on this painting for a lovely little boy I know who thinks pi is beautiful. And it is. It's also a little maddening, I think, but that's me... I get upset about things that have no end.My whiteboard which reminds me what I'm doing, and that I've been very productive, and allows me to see all that needs to be done, big and small, neatly categorized...
These are the bane of my existence. No, not teeth. Mouth ulcers. I don't get them as often as I used to, but I've had one all week and I don't want to talk, or eat, or even drink. This little guy is making the whole side of my face hurt. It is right on a saliva gland and it rubs just so on my teeth, so that it is always being aggravated.

I hope you all have a good weekend!

Not a bad Sunday

2009-09-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

So far today has been... Good/interesting.

This morning every time I got to thinking anything about anything, I sort of started freaking out. Finally I was just going into the kitchen when it caught up with me and took me down. So I had a little crying jag on my kitchen floor, and my gracious husband talked me through it. It made me think of the cat litter dream. Who knew he was so good at dealing with messes?

Mina spent the morning in her room because she lied yesterday. It was a totally funny lie, too. I was taking Cullen's toys out of the girls' room and Mina was cupping her hands together, saying, "I don't have one of Cullen's cars in my hands!" Oh, Mina.

Jason made omelets for brunch. He saw Julia Child make an omelet and wanted to try doing it exactly the way she did it, right down to using chopsticks to beat the eggs. They were delicious! He even cleaned up the stove. Jason, you're hired!

Leta and I went down to the Willy St. Fair. I don't think either of us really enjoyed it. We got a smoothie and some egg rolls, walked up and down, and then left. She didn't want to listen to any music. I enjoyed walking with Leta and holding her hand, but we could have done that without the crowd... Though, she probably only allowed me to hold her hand because she didn't want to lose me in the crowd.

Now Leta is asleep next to me on the couch, huffing her doggy blankie as usual. She'll be bringing that thing to college someday. *sniffle*

Dreams -n- Plans

2009-09-19T06:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a bit of a nightmare.

I realized, in my dream, that I had a cat! And I'd completely forgotten about the whole litterbox thing for a few years. I was so mad at myself for not remembering to clean the litterbox. I kept thinking, "What is WRONG with me?"

As I went downstairs I braced myself for the horror. Halfway down I realized a pipe was spraying water everywhere... When I got down to the bottom there was a big pile of litter that was about five feet by five feet. I cried as I scooped it into bags, and then there was a knock at the door and the doctor came in. He got down on his knees and started scooping cat poo into bags with me and explaining what can happen if you let it build up. I was really embarrassed but relieved to have the help.

I was really glad, when I woke up, that it was just a dream! But of course it never really is "just a dream", is it? Thanks for helping me clean up the mess, doc.

This is going to be a good weekend. I wish it were a little cooler, but I think we can still have fun. I don't think we'll do the farmer's market, but maybe the Willy St. Fair at some point and perhaps the arboretum to let the kids run around... Maybe I can talk my lovely husband into taking pictures... Yessss...

Bon week-end!

Need: Pastry, Chocolate, Cream Cheese Filled Things

2009-09-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

And girlfriends. I could go for a night of cheesy movies, yoga pants, delicious things to eat, lounging around with good friends. Who wants to have a slumber party? ;)

I wanted to try to write every day but I've got nothing going on upstairs...

I promise to come back in a week or two full of zest and pizazz. I'll tell you what I think about cherries in my soda, kids today, the law of conservation of energy, and most importantly, how many small animals I've got tangled up in my hair.

See you then!

It's that time of the year

2009-09-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Time for using the light box, taking vitamin D (thanks for the reminder, Dr. Dude) and taking happy pills.

We finished watching Six Feet Under last week and that has had me in a rather stormy, internalized state--thinking about life, and what makes us who we are, who I am and what I want my life to be...

What makes us who we are? The things we like or don't like, the way we feel, the way we treat others? Why are some people driven by motive x and others driven by motive y? Are you the things you think about? Are you the ways in which you've touched others lives? Do I exist when you take away my hobbies, the people I love, the things I want to do... When you take away all context, how is Hilary? What is Hilary? Is Hilary? Is there something wrong with feeling like I need all of these things to know my place in space? Is there something wrong with needing to lean up against a wall to know that you have a body?

Babble...

I have decided to start a new series of paintings and try to keep very busy with that. I picture my brain oozing out through my fingers and my paintbrush and onto a canvas... I picture smiling and feeling at peace in my vacuous state.

I need this.

How to Traumatize Your Kid

2009-09-05T07:17:00.000-07:00

We made Cullen cry today just by singing the ABC song.

Cullen only likes two songs. The "I love you, you love me" song, and "Rock-a-bye baby" because I pick him up and rock him like a baby, then pretend to drop him during the "When the bough breaks the cradle will fall" part. All other songs, ESPECIALLY the ABC song, make him cry. How will he ever learn his letters?

He cries and yells, "NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" like it's the worst thing in the world. We're not the best singers but we're not that bad either! Unfortunately for Cullen, we all think this is hilarious, and his yelling and crying only encourages us to sing more. He probably has perfect pitch and can't stand to hear sub-par music and we're literally causing him pain and invalidating his feelings but...

Sigh.

Sorry, kid. We like singing. And apparently, we like laughing at your pain. We hope you'll forgive us someday.

When I met Jason...

2009-08-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

Cullen Carter said he wanted to know more about when Jason and I met...

It was at the tender age of thirteen. My very good friend Suzy had this crazy wild look in her eyes one day at Damrow's Restaurant as she told the table jammed with teenagers (who were only buying coffee--IF that...) how the drummer for Lugnut had SMILED at her during some show. For several days we listened to this and then inevitably the two were spotted together.

Jason says he met me walking down Union St. with Suzy, and how she'd introduced me as one of her best friends, that I was wearing an army jacket and oh so grunge. Unfortunately, I don't remember! I remember her introducing him to all the kids at Damrow's. Then, soon enough, we were going to Jason's house and jumping on the giant trampoline, listening to him rant about this, that and the other thing, playing with the microphone in the basement. I remember that he didn't ever sleep and he was always excited about something. One day I listened to him go on for an hour about speed reading.

I never went to a Lugnut show except for one year I saw them play at Battle of the Bands. I just wasn't into shows, unlike most of my friends.

Later, when I was going out with a guy named Ian, the four of us would go out for coffee and suffer through listening to Ian and Jason talk about computers. Suzy and I would roll our eyes and try to change the subject...

Eventually Suzy and Jason went their separate ways, and years later, I RE-met Jason.

And yes, I did get Suzy's blessing to date Jason, because I love that girl.
:)

Good News!

2009-08-30T05:41:00.001-07:00

I didn't have to get up with sick kids last night, after all! This morning everyone is in good shape.

...

I want to be clear about something. The existing programs that help those with autism are good and useful. I'm just trying to find where my idea fits into the picture.

...

I really like Costa Rican beans.

...

That is all. Happy Sunday!

Problems with current programs

2009-08-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm just doing a lot of research to find what's out there (Autism & Art in my community and elsewhere). That's all I set out to do. It didn't take long before I started getting a bad taste in my mouth about it all. What was it?

Something about having to google and find these ugly sites that list other ugly, non user-friendly sites that you have to sift through and then sign up, fill out applications, call for information, pay fees... Well, it all reads like something that was not designed for the actual people who would be using these programs. Not anyone who is looking for something on his/her own, not even most overwhelmed parents who are already dealing with multiple therapies, IEPs, meetings with family support and dealings with medicaid to whom it just seems like MORE stuff to complicate life.

Then when you GET anywhere, what do you have?

Classes.

What's wrong with classes? There are oodles of art classes. Paint with seashells. Fun with pipecleaners. You know what I'm talking about. You have a teacher on one side. You have students on the other side. And folks, my six year old could school all of you in her sleep when it comes to arts and crafts.

The classes, and the programs, and the sites... They're all about "US" helping "THEM". That's what rubs me the wrong way. I'm NOT about that. I don't want the studio to be about that. I want the studio to give people freedom to create and possibly teach others. I want people to bounce ideas off of eachother, not get taught by some neuro-typical how to tear paper.

I'm talking about a self-directed program. I don't mean that I want you to just come and be brilliant and I'll promote you and help you clean up your mess. But maybe I do. Maybe. Maybe that's what's missing. You share the ideas. You tell me what you need. We help eachother. We invite the community in.

Hmm. Hmmmm. Lots to think about. And it's midnight, and I have dishes to do, and I might have to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of sick kids, so I have to force myself to stop thinking about this. I know this sounds rough around the edges and even kind of hostile... I'm just brainstorming publically so bear with me!

Name That Project!

2009-08-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Something I thought about a long time ago and has always sort of been in the back of my mind has come up in a big, screaming kind of way.

I want to put together an art studio for children and adults on the autism spectrum. I've been scouring the internet for evidence of other studios like this out there. So far I have found a couple of them for adults. I've contacted them to see if I could ask a few questions. I got a response from one, so now I have to think of some good questions (how did you get started kind of stuff)... I think given that people are moving here from all over when they find out their kids are autistic due to the services available in WI and particularly in Dane Co, and for other more obvious reasons, I'd love to include children in this.

It's a huge project. Most of the time when I have a big idea, the more I think about it, the more I think of why I don't want to do it. So far with this, just the opposite is happening. I think, oh my god, this is what I HAVE to do.

I've dedicated a lovely new pink Moleskine to this project and have been very busy gathering info and brainstorming. I even have friends and family helping me come up with a name. Everyone loves naming things! You can help, too! I'm particularly interested in the input of others on the spectrum.

Mina thinks Space Mission Computer is a good name but I'm not so sure everyone will get it. Comment just to throw some words around and keep ideas flowing. Anyone who wants to help with this in any way should contact me at hilarysamsa@gmail.com. I think everyone has at least one skill that will help this project, whether it's spreading the word, making connections, helping with some of the writing, helping me to organize my to-do list, web stuff, and just sharing any ideas whatsoever... I'm all ears!

...

Now that I've spent some time tonight on "important/not urgent" stuff, it's time to enjoy some "not important/not urgent" Six Feet Under with my darling husband who brought me a lovely pair of Smartwool socks tonight. Yay Jason!

Funniest Woman Alive

2009-08-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I will be so sad when my kids stop thinking this of me.

Leta: While I'm waiting for mom to feed us I'm going to pretend to make a big, huge pizza. (Starts playing with pillow)
Here is some pizza, do you want some?
Mina: Sure!
Me: Sure!
Mina: This is just a pretend pizza, right--you know that, right?
Me: It IS? I didn't know that! I was just thinking, 'Hm, why is this pizza green?'
Mina: (Laughing) no way...
Me: 'Hm, why is this pizza so THICK and FLUFFY?'
Mina: (Hysterical laughing)
Me: 'Hm, why does this pizza look EXACTLY LIKE A PILLOW?!'

Mina was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. I love making them laugh this hard. It's so easy.

Good Year Blimp Sighting - Madison, WI

2009-08-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

Is this lucky or something? It is, right? REALLY lucky, right?

I wrote happy birthday on some cookies with peanut butter frosting for Lowen's birthday. I love peanut butter frosting. I also love cookies. I may have eaten half of them before the day was done. Ooops!

Can I help you?

2009-08-13T06:50:00.000-07:00

How do you feel about what you're doing with your life? If you are living your dream and happy with your path, when did you realize that's what you wanted? Was it a difficult decision? Did it just happen? Was it something that was hard to stick to? Did you have help? Did you make sacrifices? How many times did you change your mind?

I'm having a bit of an existential crisis. This happens fairly often but each time it's more intense. Something inside of me needs to be expressed.

I know what I do within my own family to help, and am secure in that department. I realize that this is number one for me, and that doing a good job here is meaningful on a much grander scale, but I want to branch out. All of my writing and painting and childrearing just feels kind of small. I'm reaching out within my own little bubble and everything comes directly back to me. Does that make sense?

What should I do?

Let's look at the facts.

...

Let's look at the facts later, because right now my purpose in life is taking the children to the movies! Tra la la!

Hugging my laptop

2009-08-07T17:07:00.000-07:00

Aside from getting a great haircut, I've been hovering over my refresh button anticipating any shred of news about the progression of Laura's labor.

I love childbirth! It's so exciting. I need to know everything. I love this age of blogging and facebook and twitter, where we can all be in a thousand places at once. I know it isn't for everyone, but I think it's pretty great that I can have my morning coffee with all of you, sharing your experiences.

I know it isn't for everyone, especially those of you with a concept of privacy... I don't really get that, as Jason can attest. There's just something about putting thoughts into words and trying to make others understand them... And wanting people to see the real me, sharing hardships so that others who might be going through something similar will know they aren't alone. I've always enjoyed everything more if it's shared with another. Maybe there's something wrong with that. Maybe not. I don't really care. I like it.

What is my point...

My point is...

It's...

Well...

I enjoy you, internet. Mmmmm-wah!

Diiiiirty confession

2009-08-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the kids did a photo shoot for Umi Shoes. They basically just put on fancy boots and played on the playground at Wingra School while they were photographed. It was pretty painless. And now we get to pick out new shoes for everyone!

Today I had an appointment with Dr. Dude. We talked about Dr. Sketchy's, the job situation, marriage, the kids, depression and... Smoking. I've got a dirty secret and it's that I've been having an occasional cigarette all summer, and I need to come clean, and stop this nonsense. So, there you have it. I am sorry for it, and I am done now. He said he wasn't going to lecture me and I put my head in my hands and said, "DO IT. Lecture me. Tell me how bad it is to smoke the occasional cigarette." He told me that my risk of stroke was still just as much as well as my risk for pneumonia and stuff like that if I got sick. He told me that his mom had a stroke recently and she was an occasional smoker. Who knows if this is true, but man, it didn't make me feel good!

Anyway... I just thought I should come clean to the whole world about that. I don't want to be the mom who smokes, and strokes scare me a lot, and I don't want to kill myself, and I don't want to feel like a sneaky dirty hypocrite anymore.

I love my family and I love myself and I want to be nice to my body, not treat it like garbage.

I am grateful for the life that I have and I don't want to trash that either.

Now please give me a hug!

LOOK at that face.

2009-08-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

I can actually see some of me in his face here. Maybe it's the expression. I don't think the members of my family resemble eachother all that strongly but somehow we make the same faces. I'm thinking of a picture of my brother and me as teenagers, sitting together at a wedding, making the same hilarious, sarcastic smile. I wish I had that picture right now...

My husband took this picture on the way to the farmer's market today. The girls love the farmer's market because of the smoothies. It also means fresh cheese curds and fresh gluten-free pasta. Fresh pasta is just... so amazing. It makes me never want to eat the dried stuff again. Oh, and vegetables. We got some of those too. Jason bought some scary chocolate milk that was ummm... heterogeneous. I hear it's delicious but there are just some things I like to be super processed. I know, I'm not very cool.

While Mina and I were picking out a cute bookmark from a stand down at the end, Jason and Leta were off getting FLOWERS for me. Hooray Jason! I love them! Keep them coming! I will look at them and feel loved when you are at work tomorrow. :D

Kids, Shoes and Writing...

2009-07-31T11:05:00.000-07:00

Cullen has been giving actual kisses and saying, "mmmwah!" It melts my heart. I love that little boy so much!

All of the kids are going to do a photo shoot for Umi Shoes next week for their fall line. I'm nervous about it. I had to buy school clothes already so they have appropriate things to wear.

My friend Laura is having a baby any day now. She also has a little girl who is Cullen's age. It inspired me to read some livejournal archives from when Leta was born because Mina was just 18 months old then. Without those journal entries I would hardly remember anything from that time.

From April 13, 2004: Is it worth it?

Anyway, I got stuck reading for a good hour the other day. I'm so glad I was writing so much and I really want to write more now. It doesn't take long to jot down a few thoughts and it's so rewarding later on.

Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School

2009-07-26T20:23:00.000-07:00

(The prize winner)

This afternoon I went with my friend Lowen to Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School at the High Noon Saloon. Rather than have people pose nude, they have people in burlesque costumes. This lovely lady spent some time with little more than pasties and a corset, in addition to the waitress costume. If you'd like to see all the sketches and you aren't offended by the female form or pasties or feathers or interesting poses, you can see them here: http://hilarysamsa.blogspot.com

Thanks for coming out with me, Lowen!

"Impacted"

2009-07-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

Here is the last painting I did, back in APRIL... Hmm, I should maybe consider getting my art supplies out soon.

Butterfly Cake

2009-07-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

Excuse the poor image quality. We're a bit crunched for time otherwise I'd have asked my husband for help. This is a 6" birthday cake for a special birthday princess. The little lady likes pink and orange, flowers and butterflies (sorry, there's just the one...) but she likes green too... If I did this cake again there are certainly things I would do differently. I would spend more time thinking about what flowers to do and I would make a gum paste butterfly with it's wings up, and not laying there all floppy. This was a short notice cake though and I'm pleased with how it turned out.

Baby Shower Cake (and cupcakes!)

2009-07-12T19:00:00.000-07:00

This was for Chuck Spencer's Baby Daddy shower (Kathleen couldn't make it). Can't wait to meet that baby!

Tidbits!

2009-07-10T11:42:00.000-07:00

Baby shower cake is ready to go. Pictures... Soon.
I'm ready to take cake orders. Email me at hilarysamsa@gmail.com. Let's talk!
Natural Law: If one child sleeps through the night, and you have more than one child, another child will wake you up. Chances of sleeping through the night decrease as number of children increases.
Appointment with Dr. Dude this morning. The gist: Remember to spend some time focusing on me, call if I need to, I'm doing great, etc. I was in a different room today and it made me feel extra... I don't know... squirmy. No window!
I have entered a place/time in my life where I am not horrified by ankle socks. I'm wearing them right now. I wore them out in public.
Too much coffee today. Have peed 2876491 times. Kidneys are angry. Too much information?

That's about it for now. I hate it when people say they're tired/busy, but... zzzzzz

Steampunk Cake

2009-07-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Photography by my lovely husband Jason

I'm putting together a cake blog here but I'm still going to post stuff here. I just wanted one that was ONLY cakes for when I want people to go look at cakes and not read all about my life... ;)

"...we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."

2009-07-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

I read The Declaration of Independence to Mina today. She was squirmy and wiggly and interrupted a lot, but anyway, it was good to read it, and I encourage you to take a moment from sparklers and grilled meat and red, white and blue treats to read the want, will, and hopes of the people. I got a little choked up at that last paragraph.

Poor kiddo

2009-06-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Leta has a fever.

For the last couple of days she's been asking to watch the news. "Whatever, she's going through a news phase..." She gets all choked up about it though. She can't finish her sentence without going into silent chin quiver mode.

Just a few minutes ago she asked again, "Mommy, why aren't we watching the news?" Her little voice cracked.

"The news is on at certain times of the day, dear. Why do you want to watch the news all the time?"

Her eyes teared up and she whispered, "Because I like watching Michael Jackson".

*cry*

That is all.

Sigh... I tried

2009-06-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have always tried to refer to all the body parts with their proper names.

However, the girls have come up with their own names for things. I'm sorry but it's true. There is the "pee-pee butt" for girls and the "funny pee-pee butt" for boys. They've been saying this forever and they think it's hilarious. I assure you they came up with this all on their own.

...

I think it's kind of funny too. Shhhh

I've got baditude.

2009-06-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

I was looking at some pictures today and getting grossed out by tan people on beaches looking happy, and then I watched America's Next Top Model and was REALLY grossed out by Tyra's extremely annoying personality, and all those other phonies, and now I'm watching some stupid show called Hitch or Ditch, and watching this gross group of girls picking out dresses just gives me the creeps.

It reminds me of when I was growing up and the blonde/brunette balance was way off in any given situation, I would start feeling all skittish. Like the blondes were taking over or something.

This show is so bad!!!

I'm glad Jason has baditude about it too. We're sitting here making snide comments at the TV.

I have nothing good to say. I guess I should ZIP IT!

I just wanted to write SOMETHING.

Do you see all the greys in there?!

2009-06-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

Sick of hair pictures yet? I'll post more after I get my hair cut. ;)

My hair says it's humid

2009-06-18T06:25:00.000-07:00

I'm really really glad I'm getting it thinned out soon.

In other news, we have no hot water. I'm having a mini anxiety attack over all the house stuff lately.

I don't have anything good to say except that last weekend was really fun and I love the ladies in my family.

Hope all is well with all of you! (Are you still there???)

Paisley Cake

2009-06-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

My gracious friend Laima needed a paisley cake for someone's birthday so I had some fun with this. Originally I wanted to pipe black and white around the burgundy and yellow but I couldn't make a black that didn't taste terrible and my buttercream frosting is very yellow and not white. I'm still having a bit of a problem with steadiness but I know that as my hands get stronger this will get better. And then I will develop carpal tunnel and need surgery.

Until then... CAKE!

Complaint Department

2009-05-31T17:27:00.001-07:00

Cullen took off all of his clothes and pooped in the crib again today. This is getting old pretty fast. Never again will I send him to bed with just top and bottoms. He needs a onesie so he can't get to his diaper.

Now he is in bed crying hysterically because his favorite blanket is in the wash.

The insides of my eyelids feel like someone jammed grass in my eyes, and I can't seem to keep them open.

Four Cake-Wrecks of the Apocalypse

2009-05-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

My friend Laima agreed to provide me with cake to practice on. She brought over four small layer cakes and told me to have fun... I didn't really have any brilliant ideas so I just started to play. This one I was hoping for a sparkly vinyl look and it ended up being very sloppy, in part because I was not precise in anything that I did, and I don't know what I'm doing with fondant yet. Also the weight of the fondant smooshed the cakes, and the icing beneath (mousse actually!) melted, and it ended up being all warped and stuff. Also kind of icky looking, color-wise. I'm going to mix the color in rather than paint over the top next time.

Yuck!!!

This sort of ivy cake would have been alright but my buttercream frosting was melting in my bag! I tried to keep it cold but folks, butter melts fast in a hot hand. The internet tells me I will have better luck if I add some cream of tartar next time.

OH it gets better! I had this really fantastic idea, see, when I looked down at all of my fondant scraps... I thought Laima would so enjoy a sort of glass mosaic looking cake since that's kind of a Thing of hers... It looked really great at first. The glossy dark blue gel was just right. However, things did not stay where they belonged... Oh my... Oh my... It's just disasterous.

I kept this one to eat myself. Since it's a spice cake it kind of tastes like Good and Plenty candy. It's quite tasty actually if you can forgive its appearance.

But I don't know if you can.

I wanted to do some roses for the cake that I figured would go to Laima's mom, but my frosting was too melty! They melted into blobs by the time I lifted them from my rose nail. It was getting late at this point and just decided to make something else with my rose tipped bag of yellow frosting: This ugly yellow flower of some kind. No fondant beneath, just the icing the cake came with, which kind of looks like paint peeling off of a brick. Charming, right?

Well I learned a few things, and I promise that next time I will present you with awe-inspiring things of beauty. Practice, practice, practice...

First cake... Mushrooms...

2009-05-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

It started out white with lots of gold shimmery stuff.

Mess!

I had a lot of trouble with my leaf tips. I think I need different ones.

Peanut butter frosting looks like worms.

Playing...

Mixing colors...

The corners of my cake came too close to the edge and I had to smoosh some stuff with my lid. Lesson learned!

Decided to make it green.

Mina told me I needed to paint the bottoms of the mushrooms brown and I think she was right.

The end!

Ace of Cakes, here I come!

2009-05-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

I got my new cake decorating supplies yesterday and I can't wait to play with them. Anyone need anything decorated?

I have a few tidbits for you today:

1. I killed a wasp in my basement today. It was crawling around on my washing machine. Should I be worried?

2. I sprinkled diatomaceous earth today because we have ants invading our kitchen. I'll let you know how it all works out.

3. I visited Dr. Dude yesterday and updated him on my everything. He and his wife visited Happy Bambino and liked my paintings. (So he says... :P)

4. Cullen took off his diaper and pooped in the crib for the first time today. I say "for the first time" because I seem to recall this was a regular occurrence with Mina. She even drew poop murals on her walls. Oh, those were fun times. Picture me at nine months pregnant with Leta, scrubbing the poop off of the walls and crying.

5. I cleaned our our junk drawer today and discovered an embarrassing surplus of batteries and pens, two things we are always searching for.

CAAAAAAAKE

2009-05-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

I ordered cake decorating supplies today! They should be arriving in 7-10 days, then I will be devoting many of my evenings to playing with frosting and gum paste and fondant and oh, oh what fun. Hopefully in two weeks I will be posting pictures of this adventure.

Lowen takes the awkward out of growing hair out

2009-05-15T11:36:00.000-07:00

Look at the size of that head!

I just came from Elevation Salon & Spa. I'm growing my hair out, which I have attempted many times before, but the difference is that I'm doing The Right Thing and having it trimmed and thinned and you know, pruned so it grows nicely and not stupidly.

Boy, the more I look at that picture the less I like that angle... Oh well.

My Mother's Day

2009-05-13T17:54:00.000-07:00

This year the girls had oodles of cards, drawings, and other paper crafts for me for Mother's Day because they worked on them in school and are currently crazy about "special days".

I told my husband a few days ahead of time that I wanted an omelet and hash browns for breakfast, and he obliged. He mowed the lawn, cut some branches off of our maple tree, and then went to hit golf balls and I went to Jung's Garden Center with the children. Cullen is not a good shopper. He makes everything impossible. I deeply regretted bringing them with me and wished I'd been talked out of it.

"Don't be silly. We will be fine! The girls will make a bouquet of paper flowers for you and Cullen and I will play with trucks until you get back."

---

Monday I took Mina to the Ophthalmologist who says her eye isn't improving. I'm not ready to give up yet so we'll keep at it with the atropine eye ointment (relaxing/unfocusing the good eye to make the lazy eye do the work) and see how it is in another six weeks.

---

I'm thinking about investing in some good cake decorating supplies. I'd like to decorate cakes on the side, here and there, and so I've told my friends that for the next couple of months when they bake cakes I'd like to practice on them. I'm probably a wee bit rusty at it, and there are some really fun, cool things that I want to learn how to do, and then I can get really crazy creative. Yay frosting!

---

I used to write so much more. Looking back, I realize that when I had two full time jobs and didn't have a day off for something like two months straight, I was blowing through notebooks in just a few weeks. Oh sure, a lot of it was pointless lists, comics, brainstorms... But still. One or two blog posts per week is PATHETIC. And then it's just catch-up writing, which is always dull.

Well, I'm tired now. Good night, all.

One more thing about my mom

2009-05-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

Baking cookies is always on her to-do list!

Subject
order inquiry

Discussion Thread
Response (Dave Gregory A.)	12/22/2009 03:20 PM
Try to contact your bank and try to verify if you indeed charged by Leapfrog on an order you did not placed. Should you need further assistance, feel free to let us know.