So I was folding laundry for a couple of hours tonight and I kept stopping to think. My internal dialogue was being so obnoxious that I couldn't fold towels and think at the same time.
Something that's been bringing me down when I think about it is that I feel sort of like a failure, admitting defeat, talking about this with professionals and going on about it here, taking a drug. I zone out on that thought a lot, and then have to shake myself free from it. I tell myself I'm doing the right thing, not to think like that, and all of those things.
By the time I was putting the towels away I was doing that thing where the lips are actually moving and you notice thankfully before anyone saw. (But then you go and blab to the world about it on your blog...) Anyway (there is that word again!) I came to an important crystallization I think.
I've been wearing this ugly sweater every day. I can't remember the last time it was washed. It's more of a robe, really. It's actually a maternity sweater that ties like a robe. I just want to wear my sweater all the time, and be really, really warm. I have always enjoyed clothing, and have been known to change my clothes several times in a day, so not caring about my outfit can be a sign that things are not well. I also haven't wanted to talk to people, haven't wanted to go anywhere, I just want to stay home with my family, wear my sweater all the time, and watch Boston Legal DVDs, and I am usually pretty squirrelly and need to get out and talk to people all the time.
I stopped in front of the mirror, taking note of the acne around my chin and by my eyes in weird places, and I said to myself, "It feels kind of good to allow myself to just go ahead and have a nervous breakdown."
I thought about that for a minute, about if that's kind of twisted, but no. I think it really is good. I've always felt that I wish I could go back and tell myself ten years ago that it was okay to be depressed and have really bad days, and to just wallow in it for the day and get it over with...
This may have been a long time coming, but I've just been going and going and going, and now I just have to sort of get it over with. The help I'm asking for and the things I'm doing will help for sure, and from here on out, but I think for me, it's important to be okay with "not doing well". I think that this is already cheering me up a little.