Sunday, November 09, 2008

Every Sunday I am depressed.

I swear, it's true. I don't know if it's coincidence, but this is how it's always been and I have always hated Sundays. Maybe this is the day I do the most thinking. Maybe it's because I hated church as a kid. Maybe I also hated wearing itchy tights, having brunch, listening to Sunday morning jazz, all the listening and waiting and feeling stir crazy. Now all that other stuff is gone but I still feel the same feeling.

I'm getting worse at everything I do. I'm overwhelmed. I talk to friends, I have a great relationship with my husband, I get out of the house often, I'm involved in many projects, I exercise, I eat moderately well, I take vitamins, I dress up every day, all the things that make my life awesome and give me the best odds at not being a whiny depressed baby. I see my husband do things with ease that I struggle with. And I should just be happy because he helps out and is a good husband to me, and a good father, and good at his job, and excited about the things he's excited about, but it all goes through the depressed filter and I just feel like I'm not doing well. I know that in the months to come I'm going to need more patience and creativity and energy than ever, and I'm coming up empty.

I don't want to hear anything you have to say to me, because I'm bitchy and nothing sounds right when it goes through the depressed filter. Please, don't take offense to that. Just know that I *know* I'm doing a good job, the best I can, I know I'm not a failure, I know, I know, I know, but I also KNOW that I'm not doing as well as I would like to appear to be, I KNOW I am yelling too much, snapping too quickly, and this has been going on for a year, so it's not like I'm just having an off day. It's just becoming obvious that I need some intervention.

I know that my kids need me to not be depressed.

I feel like I'm trying everything and I still can't get a grip. It's so... fragile. I just need the teeniest amount of help. Just a smidge! Something. Just a tiny something. But what?

I'm not big on drugs, obviously, since I've worked soooo hard over the years to maintain stability without them. But there are more and more days lately when I wonder if I'm doing myself and my family a disservice by not considering something like that. And no, it's not just because the drug commercials are manipulating my emotions.


Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest. Happy Sunday, everyone! :P


womaninawindow said...

Ha, happy sunday!

Are you missing an ingredient? I was for a few years and didn't know. That's all. But sometimes medication is in order. You're thinking things through. be well. (And don't yell at me, dude.)

Hilary said...

Missing an ingredient--I like that. :) And I would never yell at you!

Jo Beaufoix said...

Bugger, this is so familiar. I just changed my meds for depression to support my messed up hormones which is adding to the mix. Have they checked yours out?? I have the worst PMS and it makes everything seem so black. Hope you find a way up and out soon hon, but I know, it's a nightmare and nothing anyone says can change what you feel.

Char said...

Try going to Leta's pre-school church on Sundays and then out for Brunch.
Take one child each Sunday as a treat for them to be alone with you. I bet that will help improve your Sundays.

Louise said...

Just tell a doctor what you said here. If you trust the doctor, s/he won't give you something you don't need. (Exits quietly backwards.)