Sunday, August 17, 2008

Something's wrong with my bucket

Sometimes you find at the end of the day your bucket is empty.

Sometimes you find that your bucket is empty in the middle of the day.

Sometimes you wake up and go, "SHIT! Bucket still empty!"

What if that happens every day?

I have a lot of challenges in my life, and usually I can totally deal with them and I enjoy my life, I like that things are a little crazy, but lately I find that I am waking up and the yelling starts right away, and I can't reset, I can't recharge, I can't think of a good solution, I can't get to the bottom of things, I am just having a really hard time. I feel tense all the time, I'm not keeping things up as well around the house, I don't want anyone touching me, I'm totally crabby and I can't seem to shake it.

I know. Boo hoo. My life is awesome and I have nothing to complain about. God I am so annoyed with myself now. It's such a vicious cycle.

I just wanted to admit for the billionth time to the entire world that I sometimes get under a cloud and can't seem to get out, and I really do try, and I'm the worst kind of depressed person because I hate other depressed people and think they are whiny and need to get some real problems. Awful!


david mcmahon said...

We're all here to help. Take a walk. Smell the roses.

Make a list of the people whose company you enjoy.

Enumerate the things you like to do.

Embrace that list.

hadjare said...

It's the end of the summer frenzy...once both kids are in school and you are with only Cullen for a few hours three days a week -- then you'll find you have time to even dust the doohickies on the the top shelf of the kitchen.

Speaking of which. I dusted the top of that armoire last week and wow...that was one thick layer of dust.

I liked the painting in progress btw... ;)

womaninawindow said...

Do what I plan to do tomorrow, say "Screw it all" and let the pieces fall where they might. Do things uncharacteristic and have my children wondering WTF? Well, maybe wondering What in the world?

I'll let you know if that works.

Carol said...

Hilary....We've all been there, and it stinks, especially when you're 'stuck' there. You need to get out of the house/office and walk. Clear your head. Make a list of your blessings and glue it to the back of your hand if need-be. Reach out. "This, too, shall pass". Email me if you feel the need. I'm here.

Carol said...

I forgot to add: Some days I can't even FIND my bucket...and maybe that's a good thing!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Our bucket is supposed to have something in it? I know that cloud you're sitting under and I don't dare post about it because for some reason, I seem to attract nasty anonymous commenters-- but I really appreciated this post and your honesty, thank you.
Oh, and when I can't explain that anxious, crabby feeling, I up my vitamin B-- seems to help me feel a little less annoyed.
(I came from David's place).

RiverPoet said...

I've been there, many times, and like you, I always feel like I should be able to shake it off (as I want other depressed people to do). But if it gets bad, get help (that's many years of therapy talking).

I wish you well...Peace - D
(over by way of David)

Uncle Joe said...

depression is hard to shake sometimes.

put the bucket on your head and pretend you are the Tinman.

hold it up to you and sing really loud into it or yell or laugh.

take it outside and fill it with something, like your neighbors flowers. lol.

I don't you don't really have a bucket but I don't think your neighbors would really mind.

Lehners in France said...

Hi Hilary, I arrive from POTD. My husband suffers from depression, his is a chemical imbalance in the brain as is many peoples. He can go to sleep feeling great and wake up with a huge black cloud over him. I don't think anyone who doesn't suffer from it will ever truly understand how it feels. I hope your "cloudy" become fewer and farther between. I started blogging so that Bob could look back on our time in France and read about the good times we had.
Bon Courage Debs x

katherine. said...

everyone's bucket is empty sometimes...

came by way of david...

quilly said...

On the bright side:

You've noticed that the bucket is empty.

You know it won't always be empty.

You haven't forgotten your blessings.

And David shared your mood with the entire world. (Isn't he a great guy?) :)

Louise said...

I think you and I are twins separated at birth.

I would say it will get better, but it won't. You'll have to do something to make it better, like lose one of those reponsilibities (or more), but you probably can't.

But I usually adjust, and the world throws us an unexcpected break once in awhile. Take a minute when you can to get to the break.

Anonymous said...

My heavens, what a lot of internet friends you have! Now that's a full bucket! Sounds like you need your Momma! Let me know what works for you. I can totally relate too, when you were a toddler and we had our shop in Atlanta, my day started at 6AM, got Shannon off to school, went to the shop worked all day came home, made supper, did laundry, kids baths and bed, ironed fabric, painted fabric, I never went to bed until way after midnight and was totally exhausted! I knew I couldn't do that much longer, (after 3 years), and for sure couldn't deal with any problems with your dad, so I bailed!(Peace on earth) Maybe now it makes more sense to you! take care, this to shall pass! Sit on your meditation pillow in the middle of the floor, close your eyes and see what the kids reaction is! Then laugh! Love you, yer Momma!