Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I bet you didn't know I was a HERO.

I just killed the biggest spider this side of the Mason-Dixon (that probably doesn't make sense since I live in Wisconsin, not Pennsylvania, but...). Oh my god. I wanted to run away. You know, grab the family, move to a new house. Hahaha. I had to keep talking myself back over to the spider. It was in the stairwell, you see. And you had to go halfway down the stairs to see where it was. I was on my way down for some laundry when I noticed the gigantic spider coming up to kill me. I battled this beast twice in the basement, I'm sure it is the same one, and each time it escaped my wrath.

OH no you don't, I said, and ran to my closet-o-toxins. I wanted to try the ol' 'spray it with something to slow it down' trick. I happened to have some raid. The 'psychotic spider hating' side of me won the debate with the 'toxin fearing' side of me.

So I sprayed the hell out of this (bleepitybleepbleep!) as it was climbing towards me, and it didn't immobilize it the way I'd planned. It ran away, to the little ceiling of the landing area at the bottom, hence not being able to see it unless halfway down the stairs, and the stairs being a scary claustrophobic kind of spider trapping human kind of place...

I needed the broom, and a pillow. So I kept coming back to it with my broom and my pillow. And I'd get goosebumps and shake and feel sick and have to go away.

I needed the spray again.

So I had the broom in one hand and the spray in another and I sprayed it, and it looked sorta funny. It's legs seemed a little crumpled. So I decided to get it with my broom and it went down without a fight, but it didn't squish. I kept wacking it with my broom and even tried to grind it into the floor but it was like... perfectly crisp. I couldn't relax until it was squished though. I put some tape on the end of a yard stick but the tape just stuck to the floor. Doh.

I noticed the empty rice jar on the counter and decided to use the ol' piece of paper + jar trick, (now with rubber gloves) and I captured it. I shook it around in there and it made an unsettling tink kind of sound and the legs broke off. I hope the same thing isn't happening inside my lungs right now. I probably should have worn a mask or something.

Anyway, I'll let my family thank me in the morning for saving them all from the horrible beast.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I try to do the "spray to immobilize/stun" thing, too. I usually use something wimpy like Windex, though. Mostly I just stand there shrieking. Next time I know who to call...

Kath

Zip n Tizzy said...

Isn't it crazy? I know they won't hurt me, and that they're also helpful, (with the whole eating flies and bugs thing they've got goin' on.) but they give me the Hee-bee- gee-bee's too. Just getting near them makes me shudder, and I always make my husband deal with them.
It's funny. They don't bother me outside, just inside where I have to live.
I guess we're all just a bunch of Miss Muffets!

womaninawindow said...

I'm sorry for the psychological damage but this was pretty damn funny.

The other day I was sprucing myself up in the mirror I unlocked the store and there was a HUGE Daddy long legs sitting perfectly central on my skull. I wacked him off - reflex - and then scooped him up and set him outside. I laughed, "You got me real good, you icky thang. You get to live." Usually I kill 'em.