Saturday, July 05, 2008

Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing

It was hard being mom today. Long weekends are hard. I can't believe we have another day of weekend yet. Good God, what will tomorrow be like?

I tried to break it up. I went grocery shopping this morning. Jason made lunch. When Cullen took his nap in the afternoon we put on our swimsuits and played with the hose in the yard. Kids think this is really fun. I mean it's almost as good as having a pool, really. :P After that, though, it all went to hell.

I don't want to go into it but suffice to say that I did plenty of yelling and really, it doesn't do any good. It's just us, being mad, throwing our very own form of tantrum, and it doesn't make the kids behave. Either they are totally unphased or they are totally traumatized. I have got to stop resorting to this. I just felt like I was going to completely freak out because I couldn't get through to my daughter. I started crying. I made dinner and cried. When dinner was done, I gave Mina a hug, told her I loved her, and that was the most responsive she'd been all afternoon. She melted in my arms. I asked her if she could be good and eat dinner, she said yes, and she was. So what? I am supposed to hug her when she does something wrong? I just don't know. But it is the only thing she responds to.

I know it seems like a no brainer that when you have a kid on the autism spectrum you will have communication challenges, but Mina and I usually communicate so well, so when we have a day like today and nothing is getting through, I feel like we're both failing at something that normally we can manage.

Anyway, I felt like a failure for a little while today, and wanted to smoke, drink and cry. BUT! I got over it. Mina and I started over, and Jason, my angel, my all, my other self, he smelled so good, he scratched my back and rubbed my sore muscles and brought me cold beer. :D

Oh, I almost forgot, I was also mad at my hair today, so I hacked it off. Just a couple inches. I'm sure I look like a lunatic.


womaninawindow said...

ACK! All those expectations on long weekends usually just end up making the weekend suck. I feel you. I hate to admit, I was totally there yesterday. And it feels like shit. Sorry. Today is Monday. Tomorrow Tuesday. Hope it gets better.

You hacked your hair off? You are a lunatic. I must say, you are pretty much beautiful. I think you can pull lunatic off smartly.

hadjare said...

I want to see hair pictures!

Anonymous said...

You are sounding like a normal mother finally!
I usually smoked pot and drank beer after a hard day! Hee, hee! can I say that?
Yer Mom!