Friday, February 02, 2007

It's Not Easy

Trying to keep this blog alive. I feel like I'm just poking a dead fish every day, "Come on little buddy, swim!" It's especially discouraging when I go check out the stats...

So I will try to entertain you all with a story.

When I was a little girl or perhaps 3 or 4 I was completely obsessed with ants. I felt that I could control the fate of the ants. I had parents who controlled us as children, and then Shannon pretty much had control over me, and well, I wasn't going to be on the bottom! I would go out of my way to wreak havoc on their worlds, destroying ant hills and crushing the teeny workers. I drew pictures every day, tiny pictures of "ant things", like ant chairs and ant tea cups...it made them seem more important and therefore made ME more important.

When I was around 8 I got an ant farm. I saw the care that went into dragging dead ants and burying them at the bottoms of holes. I was overcome with remourse. All those ants I had killed... I imagined them being carried to a burial place, being mourned by other ants. I felt like a monster. When I realized that these little lives weren't just vanishing from the planet unnoticed, I felt very guilty and that I didn't deserve to live, but because I knew I hadn't known better, I thought I would just vow to be a better person from then on and hope that no one discovered my dark secret.

It feels good to let go of the burden I have been carrying all these years. ;)

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