Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I didn't want it to come to this

you must now verify the letters you see in the box when posting a comment. This is because of porn spam in my comments. Thank you.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

a first

at age 3.5, Mina has finally named her stuffed animals. The mama sheep is named Taptulle and her lamb is Marqueue. (TAP-TULL and MAR-KEEOO). I think these names are incredibly creative.

That is all.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Peek at the past

I'm happy. I've been happy for a while now. There are always ups and downs, you know, and I'll always be Hilary, but I just want to share with you that at my core, I'm so HAPPY! Can you believe it? Sometimes I can't. It's amazing. Of course this means I'm going to post some excerpts from my old paper journals every day this week and feel grateful that I'm not THERE anymore.


DECEMBER, 2000
I feel like I'm going to fall apart and that I should get help. I constantly feel like I am going to lash out. Like it is some great task of restraint to maintain my composure. I feel bitter all the time, just ugly and bitter to the core. It probably would have done me good to stay alone for a while, but now what can I do about that? My heart is being nursed back to health, only it feels more like drowning. I'm such a basketcase! God help me.

I fear being alone so immensely. It drives me up the wall. What is going on with me? I feel so odd sometimes. I am sitting here out of my head, looking in...and it's me, I'm me, always and forever. Why is that so hard to take?

I will never be happy. This melancholy bullshit has been there every moment of my life. Snuffing it makes more sense every time I think about it and that scares the shit out of me.

I am always running.

Sometimes I get this sensation like I'm slipping in extremely slow motion. Life is getting shittier, but it's happening so slowly. It's not life though, it's just...living.

I wish I was more of an artist. I'm just not.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Big Changes

Every spring I get all apocalyptic about the changes on the horizon. It's like I'm an old man sitting in my rocker on the back porch, watching the storms roll in. Except...I'm scared to death of the weather and I'm not scared of big changes.

There are so many things I think about doing. Each one of them seems like the ultimate path. I don't want to choose one because that would be like cutting off all but one finger...or something. Let's just say I'm a dabbler. I want to throw myself into so many different things. I feel like if I don't do one of them, I'll miss a whole world. I'm not saying I need to do them all at once, but I think I should start knocking them off one by one.

I love to write. I'd really love to write something good. A little something. Maybe a few somethings. I'd like to see my writing "out there". I could really take pride in that, and it's something I do compulsively anyway. This year I think I would like to, by year's end, have written a little something and submitted it somewhere somehow (not really sure how the whole process works).

Also on my "to do" list this year is getting serious about art. I'd like to go into some of my favorite galleries and say, "What do I need to do to get a spotlight here?" I'm working on having some things framed. Mostly, though, on a day to day note, I need more practice.

I have always sort of wanted to sing. That may never happen because I'm so terribly shy. We'll see.

My sewing machine is begging for attention, and I am bursting at the seams with brilliant kooky clothing ideas. It would be fun to sew...with someone. I could do it all day if I had company. Of course, there are the children. Right now everything else is "when I have a minute"...I'm just trying to make those minutes count.

But Sunday nights are for TV with my husband. Unless I have plans. Heehee.

I would also really like to eat a chocolate croissant. Let's see if I can make that happen this week. :)

Monday, March 06, 2006

I'm trying...

to consolidate the art on a new blog, hilarysamsa.blogspot.com, but I can't seem to post anything and it's all forbidden and blah de blah de blah. Blogger is fired.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Picture Post





"Say 'cheese'!"























Too cute for words!












"Mina, give leta a kiss!"













Spiders are all the rage around here.