Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Peek at the past

I'm happy. I've been happy for a while now. There are always ups and downs, you know, and I'll always be Hilary, but I just want to share with you that at my core, I'm so HAPPY! Can you believe it? Sometimes I can't. It's amazing. Of course this means I'm going to post some excerpts from my old paper journals every day this week and feel grateful that I'm not THERE anymore.


DECEMBER, 2000
I feel like I'm going to fall apart and that I should get help. I constantly feel like I am going to lash out. Like it is some great task of restraint to maintain my composure. I feel bitter all the time, just ugly and bitter to the core. It probably would have done me good to stay alone for a while, but now what can I do about that? My heart is being nursed back to health, only it feels more like drowning. I'm such a basketcase! God help me.

I fear being alone so immensely. It drives me up the wall. What is going on with me? I feel so odd sometimes. I am sitting here out of my head, looking in...and it's me, I'm me, always and forever. Why is that so hard to take?

I will never be happy. This melancholy bullshit has been there every moment of my life. Snuffing it makes more sense every time I think about it and that scares the shit out of me.

I am always running.

Sometimes I get this sensation like I'm slipping in extremely slow motion. Life is getting shittier, but it's happening so slowly. It's not life though, it's just...living.

I wish I was more of an artist. I'm just not.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you are where you are today....Happy !
Yes, there are ups and downs and don't every forget that tomorrow will be better and the next day better yet. You have a wonderful family who needs you and that makes a "MOM" happy.
And I know you will paint and sing and do all those things in your life time. You have a wonderful road in front of you yet. It will all come to you if you work at it. For now, enjoy what you have because time goes very fast when you look back. Today is today and it won't be back tomorrow.

Love,
GG

yer mom said...

Hilary, I've been there too. Thankfully life gets better! yeah!