Thursday, December 16, 2004

I guess we'll just have to try it out.

So I've actually been really happy lately. I have this stormy, electric feeling in my head/gut that things are changing, and for the better. I'm finally starting to feel relaxed here in Madison. I have attainable goals on the horizon, but more importantly my friendship(s?) are maturing and I feel pretty close and comfortable, knowing that if I had a nervous breakdown or something I would have people to talk to.

I need people. I need that person who you can hang out in your pajamas, or get dressed up...you don't have to have your place cleaned and they won't think you're ugly if you're having an ugly day...and I have that. I don't feel the need to pretend that I'm smart or interesting...haha...what I mean is, I guess what it all means is that I have a friend I feel I can trust, does that make sense?

Things with Jason are amazing lately. Our relationship goes through a lot of slow changes it seems, and right now we're on a slow upswing. His outlook on life is improving in general, and it reminds me of the person I fell in love with. Things on the outside haven't changed, but I don't know, he's been really appreciative, sensitive, generous and thoughtful. I also really like the beard.

My kids...my kids...let's not talk about that...Oh, I'm getting to the point with them where I feel comfortable leaving them. I was really struggling with that and it was driving me crazy. I could rationalize that other people can certainly figure out how to change a diaper or fill a sippy cup, but my brain...my brain would twist it all around and show my images of the kids screaming and crying and the caretaker not being able to handle it. It's silly. I think it's some kind of disorder. I don't FEEL like I need to be needed, or make my daily routine seem very difficult, but maybe I do? Maybe I need to feel like other people can't possibly figure out what my children need even for a few hours? It's fear, though. I'm just afraid of every little thing that could go wrong. I've become that lady. I'm trying to curb that line of thinking, though, I really am.

It's time for me to look through the cupboards and lament having no sinful goodies to snack on.

2 comments:

Patti said...

Oh Hilary! This is so great. Seriously. It's so nice to hear about you and how you're feeling! It sounds like things are really great - and I'm really happy for you! I'm glad you're finding a socila life in Madtown. And it sounds like you're getting it. It's REALLY important to have people you can count on in the case of a nervous breakdown! We all have them(the breakdowns, and the friends). I can't wait to see you guys in May. Maybe we should go out one night! Like, out on the town. I would love to do that if you do. I had so much fun over Thanksgiving. And I am always the last one to go to sleep! I'll talk to you soon! Love you! Say hi to Jason and the girls. P.S. Can everyone else read what I write on this thing?

yer mom said...

This is pretty cool, Hilary! It seems that I have raised an amazing daughter, which I have always known, but it takes us living our life to figure it all out. Now that I am 50 I feel that I am even more free to be me! I had lunch with another 50 year old friend who has let her hair turn gray, it's short and looks good, and she is so comfortable! Of course we're all on Xanax! So, then does any of this really count? I love you so much! Life with you keeps on getting better!